Friday, April 12, 2024

Genocide In Gaza


The penultimate scene of the movie Schindler’s List shows a Russian soldier arriving on horseback to inform the roughly 1,200 Jewish prisoner laborers who worked in Oskar Schindler’s factory that they’ve been “liberated by the Soviet army” and can now leave.
The incredible Ben Kingsley, who portrays Izhak Stern in the film, asks the soldier if he’s been to Poland, and the soldier tells him he’s just come from there.
“Are there any Jews left in Poland?” Stern asks, and the soldier doesn’t reply.
“Where do we go?” asks another Jewish laborer, to which the soldier replies:
“Don’t go East, they hate you there. You don’t want to go West, either…”
The final scene of the film shows the Jewish laborers walking in unison toward the camera, and then the film turns from black and white to color, and the actors are replaced by the “Schindler Jews” in the present day, who walk to Oskar Schindler’s grave (he is buried in Palestine in the Mount Zion Catholic Cemetery in Al Quds) and lay the ceremonious rock on his grave. The actors are accompanied by the living characters they portray and the whole scene is very moving and emotional.
I’ve watched this film no less than 20 times since it first came out in 1993 and I am reduced to an absolute mess of tears at this final scene every single time. Today was no different in terms of my tears, but there is an additional feeling I experienced that I’ve never felt quite so acutely in the past –utter helplessness and despair.
I tried to explain to a friend why I keep going back to these movies – Schindler’s List, The Pianist, The Zone of Interest, Sophie’s Choice – and why I insist on reading everything I can on Palestine and World War II and the Holocaust, especially now, and the only way I can explain it is that I somehow need to feel my feelings.
I don’t know how else to describe this. I’m not trying to be morose. I don’t want to feel more anguish. But I also feel a certain desperation in my core – I find I am stunned into numbness if that makes any sense, and I know I don’t want to be numbed. My friend finally asked if I was “…trying to feel the Palestinians’ terror maybe?” and I think that might be exactly it.
The past 6 months have been sheer horror.
We have borne witness – and continue to be subjected – to the absolute depravity of the genocide by the Zionist and murderous Israeli regime against the people of Gaza in Palestine, and we have been forced to withstand the horrors of this genocide without the mercy of being able to look away.
I remember an incident many years ago when I was in high school, of a female classmate who was gang raped by a group of soldiers in front of her boyfriend who was forced to watch at gunpoint, under the threat of being shot if he looked away. I remember how horrified I felt that he’d been given no choice but to helplessly watch while his girlfriend was so violently raped and had no power to save her.
This is what it feels like to be watching this genocide today – we are forced to watch it as it happens in front of our eyes, we are made to endure the forced paralysis and our inability to intervene, and we have to withstand the pleasure with which these monsters rejoice in every murder, in every slaughter, in every hunted and eliminated Palestinian child, father, mother, and elder. It’s the most surreal experience of my life and maybe that’s why I keep willfully revisiting the horrors of the past so I can somehow grab onto the tangible horror unfolding in real time. I don’t know how else to describe it.
This time, as I watched the film, I could only see the parallels between the Jewish experience in World War II and Gaza and Palestine today:
The Warsaw Ghetto and the forced displacement of the Jews of Warsaw into an uninhabitable 12-block area.
The forced displacement of Europe’s Jews, the ethnic cleansing of the population, and the Nakbas of 1948, 1967, 2014, and 2024.
The dehumanization of the Jews by the Nazis in the 30s and 40s, and the textbook replication of these same tactics by the Zionists today against the Palestinians.
The complete and utter disregard of world leaders today in the face of the extermination of 40,000+ Palestinians – roughly half of whom are children – while the world casually deliberates whether or not this genocide can, in fact, be defined as such.
The list – Schindler’s List itself, the compiling of 1,200 names in an effort to spare them the horrific fate of so many others, and the lists of Gazans trying to flee Gaza today. The desperation of families as they scramble to get themselves on any list that will have them – medical evacuation, dual citizenship, bribes to the tour companies that have decided to leverage the most severe human suffering and to weaponize that against a desperate population as they try to flee certain death by charging CRIMINAL fees for tourist visas.
The number of GoFundMe accounts shared on a daily basis with requests for astronomical funds - $70,000 for a family of 3, $120,000 for a family of 5 – and the cruelty of extorting this money from an already destitute population, and then just as they’re about to board the bus to take them across the border, they are informed of an arbitrary increase in the fees, raising the price by an additional $20,000, making it impossible for the family to escape. These are examples based on actual stories of people I know.
The inhumanity! We are being forced to contribute to what would normally be considered human trafficking, but because the powers that be are in on the scam, the fees are paid relatively out in the open – in cash, of course, and in US DOLLARS obviously – but still by official appointment at a named and known tour company with tickets and receipts and visas being issued (visas that would normally cost $500-$600 USD).
We are calling in favors, asking anyone who knows anyone to reach out to their contacts to make sure Family A or Family B gets on the list for this week’s evacuations. We’ve sent messages asking “Any news on XYZ? Did they get on the list?” and praying against all odds they make it out alive before the next bomb drops and eliminates entire buildings.
THE LIST? The list of those who might be saved. Does this not sound absolutely terrifying? Are we not completely horrified by what we’ve been reduced to? This is what it must have felt like to be a Jew in Nazi-occupied Europe. When I watch these movies about the Holocaust, this is the terror I feel – the fear, the rage, the injustice – the scenes of being arbitrarily selected to survive or be gassed. To flee or remain in hell. To live or die.
And while all this is happening, we can watch the glee over the destruction and mockery of our people by rabid, depraved Israeli soldiers on TikTok making fun of our despair and cosplaying our genocide.
The obsession of the IOF with women’s lingerie and the sexuality of Palestinians.
The delight with which these sexually deviant soldiers seem to revel in the fetishizing of Palestinian women.
As though religious piety and adherence to Islam somehow exclude the right of women and men to participate in healthy sexual relationships behind closed doors.
As though we somehow owe them the modesty of our bodies and souls if only to reinforce the prejudice of their own derangement.
The resentment they have for any signs of normalcy in Gazan homes. We are only permitted to grieve and wail if we do it in ways that fit the tropes and skewed narratives of their mentally ill paradigms.
Do you know how depraved you have to be to covet so rabidly and violently what you claim to despise?
Do you know how hateful you have to be to uphold the tenets of Zionism?
Do you know how sick you have to be to call yourself a proud Zionist?
I don’t wish that level of illness on anyone – not even those for whom I have only disdain and disgust. Not even them.
But what I really want to know is who will ride up on a horse into Palestine and declare that we “have been liberated and free to live”?
Will Palestine ever see the justice of liberation and reparation?
Will anyone step in and say “This is enough slaughter now. You can live in freedom and dignity”?
And if that day ever comes, how will the world pay for its sins?
At this point, is that even possible?

Wednesday, October 11, 2023

How Did We Get Here?

#GazaUnderAttack by Palestinian artist, Mira Shihadeh



I promise you, it is very likely we will see the complete annihilation of a population of 2.5 million people within the next few weeks.

It is not outside the realm of possibility that Gaza and its inhabitants will be wiped off the face of the earth.

And I promise you, if this happens, we will collectively never recover. 

Not only Palestinians, or Arabs - but all of us, the entire world, will never recover the stain this will leave on our human history.

I want to remind you, as we stare in horror and disbelief at the escalation and sheer destruction of the violence in Gaza and Israel, that the borders for Gazans are closed. They are sealed. There is literally nowhere for them to go.

No shelter.

No safe spaces.

No fleeing across the border into other countries or towns.

They can walk into the sea and drown, or they can sit in place and be obliterated. 

There is no other option.

Israelis, on the other hand, do not have this restriction.

In many cases, they carry dual citizenship, and have no restriction on their mobility.

In many cases, Israelis have chosen to relocate to Palestine from places like Poland, Ukraine, Brooklyn, and New Jersey.

In many cases, they’ve made these choices fairly recently in the last 75 years, and even when they haven’t, they’re still able to go elsewhere if they must and they can escape to safety if they choose to. The operative word being “choose” - to have a choice.

Gazans and other Palestinians, in an overwhelming number of cases don’t even have Palestinian passports and travel documents, much less a second citizenship. Those of us who are not living in Palestine, and those of us who have fled and lived in exile for 75 years, are not allowed to return to visit our family homes or, if we are able to visit (as I am), are not ever allowed to live on our own land.

Our Palestinian family has withstood the humiliation of a 75-year occupation, brutal at times, violent, cruel, and systemic.

I’ll tell you a few truths about our families, friends, and colleagues:

I have a friend whose elderly father woke up one morning in Jerusalem and went downstairs to open his front door, only to be confronted by a brick wall that had sprouted overnight.

Confused, he went back upstairs to look out the second floor window and saw an IOF soldier standing guard. When he asked him what was happening, he was informed that this was now an extension of the separation Apartheid wall.

“But this is my front door! How am I supposed to leave my house?”

“I don’t know. Jump out the window.”

Jump out the window.

And so his neighbors got him a ladder and that’s how he gets in and out of his own house. 

*The petty absurdity and humiliation of occupation.*

Another truth:

There’s an IOF Watchtower on the “Jerusalem ID Only” road between Ramallah  and Jerusalem. The area is a no-man’s-land stretch of road right after the checkpoint that gets you out of Ramallah if you’re lucky to be let out (which is entirely subject to the discretion of an 18-year old IOF conscript). 

On either side of that road is a single home, each with a balcony on the second floor facing the other. There are about 2 lanes of asphalt road that separate the two homes, along with a fence on either side.

The two homes belong to two brothers.

The brothers are not allowed on the asphalt paved road because they don’t hold Jerusalem IDs. If they are caught on that road, they will be shot by the IOF on sight. 

The brothers have been unable to visit each other FROM ACROSS THE STREET since 1967.

In order for them to see and hug each other in person, they must get permission from the Israeli authorities to travel. This may or may not be given. 

Then, they must travel AROUND the country to get to the other side, in a journey that can take anywhere between 4-8 hours, if it’s permitted at all.

Every single morning, the brothers step out onto their respective balconies and share a cup of coffee from across the street just to say “good morning” and check in on each other.

*The petty absurdity and humiliation of occupation.*

Another truth:

Israel does not have a written constitution, and this is a strategic and purposeful move. Without codified governing law, it is governed by flexible policies that can be easily and expeditiously amended to suit the occupiers. 

Municipal laws in different areas of Israel dictate how people live. In Jaffa, for example, it is illegal to renovate the facade of any building without the permission of the government. If you’re a Palestinian family living in the home you’ve owned for generations, you’re inevitably going to need to make renovations at some point. That’s fine, but you need permission.

A light burns out on your front porch. Sometimes, you’ll find the light has been broken (and we know the Israelis often ensure that happens. An errant rock hits the light bulb. An errant soccer ball smashes your front window. Oops 😬). You can’t fix that without a permit. But you ALSO can only use a select number of service providers to fix it, all approved by the municipal authority. Of course, the cost of these services is prohibitive and normally out of reach for your average family. So what happens when it’s your light, and your windows, and the steps of your front entrance, and your roof - all considered part of the facade of your building and, therefore, ineligible for renovation without permits?

Well, eventually, your home becomes uninhabitable. And you are forced to leave. But what happens when a Jewish, Israeli family moves in? Well, the government is pleased to cover all the expenses for renovation and upgrade of your new home. Naturally.

*The petty absurdity and humiliation of occupation.*

(Don’t bother asking your Israeli friends to verify these policies because they won’t know about them since they don’t apply to them. But you can check out verified affidavits and oral testimonies gathered by Israeli Human Rights organizations - I won’t even ask you to simply believe the first-hand accounts of actual Palestinians, God forbid - and you can start by consulting  https://www.adalah.org/en for more on this. It’s infuriating, just be warned.)

But why am I sharing all of this?

Before anyone accuses me - and there’s been plenty of that in the past few days - of trying to use FACTS and context to justify any violence and abuse against civilians, let me just say that what I’m doing is simply providing the context for why this is where we’ve ended up. Not why it’s deserved or why it should be celebrated, but why it has happened and why it’s not a fair fight or a “conflict” among equals, but a reckoning for the future and dignity of an oppressed group.

I’m providing this context so that you understand that it’s difficult for us Palestinians to feel equal sympathy and empathy for the challenges faced by a family who moved to Palestine based on birthright and now occupies the home of a family that’s been inhabited for literal generations to the suffering of the people who have been forcibly evicted and ethnically cleansed - whether in an instant during the Nakba and any other instance of eviction, or over time through the implementation of Apartheid policies that slowly and routinely chip away at the rights of the indigenous population. Either way you look at it, it’s ethnic cleansing at best, and now with the annihilation of Gaza, it’s genocide. 

A holocaust, if you will.

Plain and simple.

Let me also mention another phenomenon of occupation. When you see fanatical settlers burning down olive groves, razing homes, burning crops, destroying property, desecrating holy places, and pouring cement into water wells, what you normally see on the other side of that fight are Palestinian families defending their homes, their homeland, their properties, their treasured heritage.

Ask yourselves this: does this destruction and desecration seem to be behavior that is in line with the values of a people who are indigenous to a land? Does this seem like behavior that you’d see from people who love and care about a place? Because it doesn’t to me. They are able to destroy and dismantle because this land is not embedded in their souls. It is not imprinted on their hearts. It is simply ideologically imposed on their sense of entitlement, and they will never be connected to it in the same way as those who literally lay down their lives to protect it. Remember that when they call themselves “Indigenous” to this land.

Back to the horrors unfolding as we speak. I have Israeli friends who are hurting and desperate at the losses they and their communities are suffering. As a human being who is not a savage, I hurt for them and I don’t wish any of this on them or their loved ones. But it would be disingenuous for me to neglect the fact that there are inevitable consequences to choices. If you choose to build a life on land that is colonized and settled, and has been historically inhabited for centuries - millennia, even - prior to your arrival, in homes that were lived in by families much like your own, it isn’t beyond the realm of comprehension why you might find it difficult to live peacefully and in harmony. Let’s at least agree on that, right?

Like, it’s not INEXPLICABLE that a country established and built on the foundations of violence will be confronted with resistance at some point, right? We can all agree that, like it or not, resistance isn’t always polite and non-violent, right? I don’t think these are unreasonable truths to admit. They are painful and result in unnecessary and devastating losses, absolutely, but it can’t be controversial to speak these truths, right?

It’s horrific and it’s tragic, but it’s also not inexplicable, no matter how hard we try to erase the context of its genesis. 

Israelis have an overdue reckoning with their government and the failures of the state in protecting its citizens - not only from the seemingly sudden uprising of Hamas, but from the 75 years of policies that have placed Israelis in the position they are in today - as occupiers, as colonizers, as citizens that inadvertently uphold a system of brutality and humiliation on a daily basis of an indigenous population that has just simply had enough. This is a reckoning that is far overdue and Israelis should be absolutely livid that this is what it’s come to. Be enraged at Hamas, by all means, but remember why they have been empowered and by whom.

Most Palestinians I know - and I count myself among them - have no issue with a scenario where the liberation of Palestine includes the incorporation of current residents of the Israeli state as equal citizens of one state. Truly, and without exaggeration, this is not the issue. 

The liberation of Palestine need not be predicated on the expulsion of its Jewish/Israeli population. 

But the dismantling of the system of Apartheid, the racist structure within which Palestinians are placed, the dehumanization and campaign of discrimination being framed by language we’ve heard from Nazis and others (the Rwandans and Serbians come to mind), referring to us as “human animals” as a way to radicalize entire populations globally against us - THAT is what needs to be destroyed.

The liberation of Palestine means an end to the occupation of all its land. That’s all there is to it. We can “mental gymnastics” our way around this and weave narratives that circumvent the ultimate outcome, but that’s the only solution. 

I have a meeting in a few hours with a group of colleagues from donor foundations in the Arab region to discuss how we might be able to secure the transfer of funds and supplies to Gaza immediately and in the future.

The main fuel-operated generator that supplies much of Gaza ran out of fuel at 2 PM local time on Wednesday. 

This means hospitals cannot save lives. Internet is down. 

There is even less electricity than the one or two hours a day that were originally provided. 

There is no water. 

My colleague, Ammar, was speaking with me yesterday and the line went dead immediately after I heard a huge explosion. He survived, And when he called me back, his voice was shaking. 

There are no supplies left in Gaza. 

One of our member organizations with an on the ground presence stocked up on and distributed supplies on Tuesday. 

By Wednesday, when they went to replenish, there was nothing left. 

NOTHING. 

No bread. 

No water. 

No basic necessities.

You wonder how people are radicalized? This is how.

On one side of the border, a group was attending a rave with music and drinking and dancing. Mere miles away, an entire population that’s been trying to live with a modicum of dignity for the past 16 years was struggling to breathe. Both sides have lost a lot and it is tragic. But only one side didn’t have much to lose to begin with and may have even less to lose - whatever that means - by the end of this.

Remember that when they ask you how we got here.

*The petty absurdity and humiliation of occupation.*

The thing is, though, as I write this I honestly don’t know if there will be anyone left to help in Gaza and I’m telling you, if that happens, we will never ever recover.

πŸ‡΅πŸ‡ΈπŸ™πŸ»❤️


Photo by Hani ElShaer
Photo Credit: Hani ElShaer


Thursday, May 20, 2021

Be My Palestine.


The image is blurry, but I'm choosing to share it because it's the first picture I ever took myself, from my BlackBerry phone in 2007 of Jerusalem.
View of Al Aqsa Compound - although the image is blurry, I chose to share it because it is my own picture, from my BlackBerry phone, that I took of Jerusalem in 2007

So listen, it's going to take me a minute to articulate this clearly, so please bear with me, and forgive me for the length of this post, but I had to do it.


I am the daughter of a Palestinian man. My father was born in Jaffa, Palestine on June 1st, 1947 to a German-Palestinian mother, and a Palestinian father. When my father was less than a year old, my grandfather was out of town on business and my grandmother was alone with my infant father at home, having breakfast. My father got fussy, as babies do, and just as my grandmother lifted him out of his high chair, a bullet came through the window and landed right where he had been sitting just a mere second before. That's how my grandmother knew the "war" had come to their door.


My father as a young boy

As she told it for years and years after, a microbus made its way around the neighborhood and collected families to take them to safety. They did not have enough time to take anything with them. My grandmother grabbed the wad of money she had hidden under the mattress and stuffed it in her bra, scooped up her infant son, and hopped on the bus, leaving breakfast on the table.


Eventually, my grandfather reunited with his young family and they settled, first in Syria where my uncle was born, and then in Saudi Arabia, where my grandmother, refusing to conform to ridiculous sexism, drove a car - even though it was forbidden for women - dressed as a man by taping her breasts down. At some point before settling in Cairo for over 25 years, the family lived in Rome where my grandfather worked for the newly established UN's FAO. My grandparents eventually moved and settled down in Amman, Jordan, where they lived until they died in 1997 (him) and 2016 (her). They remained refugees for the rest of their lives since 1948, and they never ever lost the pang of heart-wrenching homesickness for the home they left behind, with breakfast still on the table.


My beautiful grandparents in Cairo

Throughout my childhood, and until she died in 2016, I would ask my grandmother to tell me the story of their escape from Palestine, and their lifelong dreams of returning to their homeland. It always felt so removed from any reality I could fathom and I always envisioned Palestine as a surreal place - not something I could touch or smell, but an idea I could hold onto only in my imagination. 


My father rarely ever spoke about his feelings of being a refugee, mostly because he had found a home and a life in Egypt, and he felt more Egyptian than anything else, but glimpses of his ingrained trauma would show up in unexpected ways.



I remember once when I was in grade school, our choir teacher at my American school taught us Hava Nagila (which I can still sing by heart in Hebrew). I knew the song was Hebrew, I knew Israelis sang it, but there wasn't much distinction between Jewish, Israeli, Zionist, etc. at that time. I was just the child of a Palestinian and I wasn't sure I was supposed to be singing that song in that language. But I wanted to know: What were the limits? What did my father *really* think? So I sang it in the car while my father was driving and when he heard what I was singing, he swerved the car, banged on the steering wheel, and yelled "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE SINGING?? WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS?" And it scared me. But I knew then that, yeah, Dad had feelings about this, and they were strong.


When I grew older and could have a deeper, more nuanced understanding of the issue, my Dad and I would discuss it at length and I began to understand the differences in ideology and political leanings versus religion, etc. I studied the history much more deeply as a young adult and asked more questions, so I was able to form a much more holistic, multi-dimensional view of this issue than I was capable of doing as a child.


When I moved to New York in my 20s, I met and made friends with more Jews than I had met in my lifetime (not many Jews living in Egypt - and fewer Israelis - when I lived there). I grew to love and cherish my Jewish friends, and discussed issues of Zionism and my Palestinian-ness, but my positions were muted if I'm being honest. I was intimidated and there was a sense of shame at being Palestinian - a shame I can't explain.


During my time in NY, I worked at Sesame Workshop for over 13 years. Throughout my career, I worked on and produced the Palestinian adaptation of Sesame Street (among 16 other adaptations) with colleagues in Palestine. To say my experience was smooth would be an egregious lie. It was not smooth. It was littered with anti-Arabness, and definite racism, and several incidents where I was told, to my face, that I could not name the country of "Palestine" explicitly, but that I also could not call it "Occupied," but was allowed to say "Palestinians" to identify a people, but I could not identify their country, MY country. Talk about a fucking cognitive dissonance! One day, I will write at length about this experience because it deserves a longer, more in-depth interrogation of the dynamic of being the only Arab (for the first few years) on the NY side of the production, working on an exclusively Arab program, being managed by a group of avowed Zionists - whom I respected and reported to so, AWKWARD  - and being silenced because my livelihood depended on not being difficult. On not speaking out. On not rocking the boat. That contributed to the shame. When I DO eventually write it all down, I will explain how, even amidst the shame and intimidation, I still managed moments of subtle resistance - like how, when I was told I couldn't say "Palestine" in the voice-over for a highlight reel on the history of Sesame Street's work in the Arab region, but I could say "Palestinian," I ended up saying "Palestinian" more times than necessary just to make the point. My American colleagues didn't notice, but you bet your ass my Arab colleagues caught this subtle act of subterfuge.


In 2006, I finally had the opportunity to visit Palestine to work with my Palestinian Sesame Street colleagues. Thanks to my American passport, by virtue of having been born in the US, I was able to travel to Palestine. I remember being paralyzed with anticipation and, frankly, scared of the experience. I didn’t know what to expect and, remember, for me the image of Palestine was ethereal and disconnected from reality. I did not understand it tangibly. I saw it only as a fragmented place of mystery, suffering, beauty, pain, olive trees, ghettos, homes without their owners, owners with keys to homes they no longer lived in, oranges, the Al-Aqsa compound, the Dome of the Rock, the Wailing Wall - but all of these things were incongruous in my mind’s eye. How they fit together, their geographic proximity to each other, eluded my comprehension.


I vowed to stay silent on my first trip. I vowed to absorb and observe and to take in the experience without reacting because I wanted it to bleed into me, if that makes any sense? I have since been to Palestine a few more times between 2006 and 2016 and, while I love being there - in Ramallah, in Haifa, in Al Quds - I HATE the humiliation and degradation of the experience of the journey. I could take a flight into Ben Gurion if I wanted to - there are flights from Cairo daily. But I have always chosen to make the crossing via the Allenby Bridge out of Jordan because I don’t want the easier way. If my colleagues and comrades have to endure this humiliation, then I will, too, in solidarity because AT LEAST I have the luxury of being able to go to my father’s homeland and touch the land he was denied from ever seeing since he was 6 months old. 


The Wall - from my trip to Ramallah in 2016


When I was first offered the opportunity to visit Palestine, I was unsure whether I should make the trip or boycott it. My father, who had never been back since the expulsion of 1948, said “Of course you should go. This is your country. You have every right to it, and we should ALL go, as often as possible, all the time, whenever we can, because they [the Zionists] are counting on our exhaustion and on us giving up. You have the means to go, go for all of us. And go as many times as you can stand it.” And so I went. And I stayed silent. And I observed. And I absorbed. And I was floored by the discovery that all these places that had become mythical in my mind were within reach, and they were close together. Jerusalem [Al Quds] is a mere 25-30 minutes by car from Ramallah if you’re allowed on the roads that don’t circumnavigate the country. If you don’t have the right permissions - which are impossible to get - it can take you up to 4 hours to get from Ramallah to Al Quds, depending on the mood of the 18-year old border guard, if he/she lets you pass at all. Humiliation. Jaffa is a mere hour away from Ramallah - again if you’re even allowed out of Ramallah. Haifa is a 2-hour trip from Ramallah - AGAIN, only if you’re allowed. And so on. Well, I visited all these places, and my beloved colleague, Daoud Kuttab, took me to see my family home in Al Quds, and took me to lunch at my OTHER family home - the American Colony hotel which was, once upon a time, owned by my grandmother’s family, the Al Husseinis - and it was surreal and it was magical and it was painful. And every time I crossed the border since that first time, I fucking hated every minute of it. The disdain, the filthy stares, the purposeful delays - once up to 11 hours in the cold without access to a bathroom or my luggage for a jacket - and this is NOTHING compared to what my peers have to suffer from any time and every time they attempt to venture beyond the inhuman barricades that prevent them from living freely in their own country. On their own land. 


2007 - At the launch of our Shara'a Simsim Program in Ramallah, Palestine


In July/August 2014, when Gaza was under siege, I was back living in Cairo working for an Arab organization, with many links across the Arab region. The situation and massacre of Gaza hit very close to home, both literally and figuratively, and I was bereft.  I ended up penning a poem in the middle of the night, during Ramadan, a poem that flowed out of me from a place of anguish and pain. The poem was about hate - an emotion I believe has its place - but it was also about the boundaries of that hate. I HATED what Israel was doing to Palestine and Palestinians. I HATED the blind disregard for human life the Israeli government and its army had for the Palestinians. But I could not - and will not - ever bring myself to wish death and torture on Israelis, nor could I revel in their death or destruction. But some of the shame I'd felt in earlier years had begun to dissipate a little. 


I Will Not Banner - illustration by Ora Eitan


This poem that flowed from my anger and despair was eventually picked up by a former boss of mine from my Sesame Street days and she asked me if she could publish it. The poem, incidentally, is called “I Will Not” and it was my attempt at declaring my steadfast commitment to NOT stooping to the lowest denominator of hatred and NOT calling for the death and destruction of anyone, even if they were calling for mine. NOT AN EASY THING TO DO, my friends. We eventually published the poem in 3 languages - Arabic, English, and Hebrew. The poem was illustrated by an Israeli artist whose work I was mesmerized by. And it was eventually also turned into an e-book that was narrated in the 3 languages by children. It was dedicated to the memory of my late father, Zimo, because I think he would have appreciated this journey of mine.


My father and me


Today, I find that I am rid of any of the shame and intimidation of my past. And I feel like a fucking coward that, for so many years, I was scared to openly and proudly declare my Palestinian roots. Afraid of the consequences on my career, afraid of the stereotypes and being made to feel, somehow, that I would be called on to “prove” my worthiness, to earn my existence, afraid to hold my head up high for the pride of my ethnicity and, most importantly, afraid to stand strong and defend my right to say this: 


“What we are seeing - and have seen since 1948 - is Apartheid. It is state-sanctioned terrorism. It is the ethnic cleansing and, in some cases, the state-sponsored massacre of my people. It is the wrong fucking side of history, and if you support it, you are against me and my existence. If you ‘both sides’ this shit, you are “All Lives Matter”-ing an issue that does not warrant this. There are children who are being murdered in Palestine because the force of the army that oppresses them is an ARMY - armed to the hilt, financed to the heavens, and capable of leveling entire villages in one fell swoop. If you ‘two sides to every conflict’ this bullshit, you are essentially telling me that my life and the lives of CHILDREN and the lives of my families and friends DO NOT MATTER because you are siding with the stronger, more powerful, and more capable aggressor, oppressor, and criminal. And that’s your prerogative, I can’t do anything about that. But I can tell you this: I will not be ashamed one moment longer. I will never stay quiet lest you deny me a job, or a visa, or a friendship. I will never again pretend I am not outraged and fucking HURT by your support of an Apartheid regime. Because that is a red line for me. And if you know anything about history, it should be a fucking red line for you too.”


Never again, folks. 

Remember that?


(Feel free to share this. It is public for that reason. I am aware of the risks :-))


Thank you for reading.




Thursday, April 9, 2015

I Will Not.

Syria's Children


I will not call for death.

I will not dare to speak 
the words that call for the 
death of the “other."

I will not seek to avenge 
through death, the sister, 
the mother, the father 
or brother.

I will not cry, 
“If you kill us, 
then we are right to kill!” 
and then question, in anguish,  
“Where has our humanity gone?”

I will not call for death.

You ask me to justify how I 
can stand for my enemy;
I reply only, “I know no enemy.”

I know war and pain
Fear and injustice;
I know blood and tears
Corruption and failed armistice.

I see bodies, 
bloodied and strewn about
I see them - I hear you and 
I feel your pain –

I see mothers wailing for the 
loss of their children.
I see children grasping the 
air seeking the comforting arms 
of their slain mothers.
I see fathers burying their babes
in white cloths.

Palestine's Father & Child - Gaza 2014


I see children with despair in 
their eyes at sights they will 
never forget.

I hear of sirens unheeded
For to heed them means you 
have some place to hide.
I hear tales of the warnings 
that come in the night
The warnings that parents 
must choose to ignore
For to obey them must mean 
you have somewhere to go.

Libya's Child


I will not call for death.

“But they want you to die, 
they demand it, can’t you see?”
“You’re a traitor, a coward, 
how can this be?”
I see it -- I know -- 
do you think me so blind?
I hear it, I fear it, but 
I know where I stand.

As the world sits in wait, 
to watch and to plead
Those I cherish and love 
have no choice but to bleed.
Our humanity challenged, 
I offer you this:
We must search within us, 
this is where it exists.

It is not to be found in 
the barrel of a gun
Or a bomb, or a funeral, 
a surah or a psalm.
It is in your heart 
and your head and your womb
In your words and your dreams 
and the threads of your loom

Syria's Children


In your hopes for your children 
that they shall not hate
For their hopes and their dreams 
are their future and fate!

So abandon the sirens, the bombs 
and your might;
Hold your hands to the heavens 
and scream in the night.

Beg for mercy, for respite, 
for heart and for will
But do not seize the urge 
to go straight for the kill.

And repeat to yourself, 
for as long as it takes:

I will not call for death, no matter how much it aches.

I will not.

Yemen's Child





Monday, October 6, 2014

I Believe I Can Fly.

The 30,000 ft. View




Flying.


I love it. 



I love everything about it. 



Now, don't get me wrong - I don't love everything that comes before the actual flying; nor am I particularly fond of all that comes after the flying. That whole "waiting for your luggage" business at the airport? Yeah, I'm not a fan. Removing all of your clothes, shoes, and that whole "do-I-or-don't-I-put-all-my-crap-in-a-Ziploc-bag?" dance-slash-guessing game at the beginning of the security line? Hate that game. Hate. It. But once I actually get on the plane, find my seat, buckle my seat belt and lean back for the duration? Oh, I love that part.



Over the years, I've developed a certain set of "rituals" when it comes to flying. They include, but are not limited to, the need to sit in a window seat if the flight is less than 4 hours, but in the aisle if it's any longer than that (bathroom breaks and my express desire to NOT need to get to know my row mates intimately as I try to squeeze my way past them with my ass effectively in their throats - I'm not interested in getting to know anyone that well). Also, the ONLY airlines on which I will actually eat the food are Royal Jordanian (they come around with a buffet cart in Business Class, seriously - freshly cooked dinner, it's pretty amazing), South African Airlines and maybe - depending on the menu - Lufthansa and Singapore Airlines. In most other cases, I pack a lunch, grab a McDonald's at the airport (a ritual that is firmly predicated on the belief that no calories consumed while traveling can be counted... something to do with gravity... I don't know, I'm still perfecting the theory, but I'm CERTAIN of its accuracy. Of course, the several pounds of flesh that tend to grow around my waistline after a particularly frequent traveling stint will, one day, prove me entirely false, but until then...), or a bag of trail mix and call it a day. I've also perfected the art of the "carry-on" - a few tips: you know all those books you're sure you're going to have time to read? Yeah, you're not going to read them on this flight, so spare your neck and shoulders the pain and weight, and pack a magazine or buy a Kindle or other e-reader. Trust me. Also, your computer and all your work papers that you're certain you will make time to review and the presentation you're going to edit on your laptop? Not happening. Not today. Unless you're one of those uber-annoying productive types who can't just chill the fuck out for one second to enjoy the in-flight movie; in which case, I can't help you and I don't relate to you, but good luck with all that. And speaking of the in-flight movie, what IS it with all the crying on planes? I read something somewhere about the altitude wreaking some sort of havoc on our emotions, but seriously, I think my system needs some tweaking because crying - hysterically, I might add - at the end of "Bridesmaids" is a little much. Oh, and always, ALWAYS bring a pair of crappy socks you don't want or a pair of extra hotel slippers with you to wear to the bathroom - I don't even want to think about what gets on those floors and I definitely don't want anything I will take with me off the plane to touch whatever grossness lies beneath. So, socks and/or slippers go on during the bathroom trips and are dispensed of upon disembarkation. You're welcome.



Anyway, the point being that I don't remember a time when I didn't fly. By all accounts, I was flying before I was a self-aware human being. My parents tell the story of how I flew to Cairo as a newborn baby, all dressed up and ready to meet my hyper-excited grandparents, who apparently gained access to the plane and literally greeted me upon landing. So, I've been flying for a long time. But in all the years of travel, there are a few flights that I consider to be particularly noteworthy, for one reason or another. On a recent flight, I found myself reminiscing and recounting to myself the flights that have stayed with me.





DOWN UNDER



One flight that stands out for me is the first time I went to Australia with my family. I think I may have been 9 or 10 years old. So, here's the thing: for some reason, I really, really wanted to be a flight attendant when I was a kid. I was mesmerized by flight attendants. Not sure why, but there you have it. So, for this VERY long flight (if I recall, it was a 28-hour flight from Cairo with a stop in Singapore, but I could be making that part up), I INSISTED that I needed to wear a suit. Dead serious. I made my parents buy me a turquoise blue skirt and blazer that I paired with a pink button down shirt and heels (or what I, a 10 year old, would have considered heels - I'm certain my mother did not let me wear actual heels at that age). 



We were flying Qantas Airlines and I read through the Qantas information leaflet in excruciating detail, making my mother give me all the cream she had on her because (a) we were still allowed to take creams with us onboard airplanes back in the day, and (b) because the leaflet said that "your skin will get dry from the flight and you must be sure to keep it moisturized." Well, I wanted to be a professional, you know, so I took this shit very literally. I remember covering myself in cream and following all the instructions and suggestions word for word. I also think, and again I could be totally dreaming this up, that I helped the flight attendants deliver the dinner service on board. I may have attempted to do this and been yelled at and asked to "please get back to your seat immediately," but I can almost swear that I actually did it and that no one yelled at me. I also think I remember my sister, who despite only being 7 or 8 years old at the time, dramatically rolling her eyes at me for being entirely ridiculous and over-the-top. This would not be the first nor the last time my sister reacted this way to me.



At any rate, the flight was a memorable one; Australia was fascinating to me, and I think I may have worn that same "flight attendant" suit for several more years - I swear to God, I have a distinct memory of one flight attendant from Qantas giving me a flight pin that I promptly and proudly pinned to my lapel and strutted about like a miniature flight attendant. Yeah, I was THAT kid.



"ENTSCHULDIGUNG?"



Years ago, during a particularly packed travel season for my old job, I was traveling back to New York via Frankfurt from Cairo at 4 in the morning on a Lufthansa flight. I was so tired and fighting a cold and my parents were driving me to the airport. I was in the back seat of the car bemoaning my flight, the coach class ticket I was stuck with and the very long flight home (back when "home" was New York City). All I really wanted was to be upgraded to Business Class so I could sleep on the flight. My mother said "Well, why don't you just ask?", to which my father laughed and said, mockingly, "Yeah, sure! Why not? You pair of princesses, you two... just ask and you shall receive!" I made some remark about how negative he was, but agreed that it was VERY unlikely but that I would give it a shot anyway - what did I have to lose? Mom and Dad dropped me off and headed home... I arrived at the Lufthansa counter. 



The counter manager was very familiar with me on account of all the flying I used to do in and out of Cairo for my work at the time. He greeted me with a too-hyper-for-2-in-the-morning "hello!" and I walked over to him, downtrodden, beaten, tired and weary. 



"Any chance at all you can get me upgraded to Business Class on this flight?"



"Ha! You're lucky if I can get you on the flight at all! We're overbooked by 90 passengers!"



"Um... what?"



"Well, I do have an Air France flight leaving RIGHT NOW, if you don't mind running. But it's a fully booked flight, so you'll have to sit in Business Class, is that okay?"



Hang on - does anyone ever say "no" to that question? "No, I'd really prefer being packed in like a sardine into a seat that's too small for the next 7 hours; but thanks anyway"? YES! I'll fucking take it. Are you kidding??



So, in a flurry of activity, with only seconds to spare, I was whisked off past security, literally running, with an Air France rep grabbing my arm and ushering me through to the flight. At which point, we heard "Entschuldigung?!!!" ("Excuse me!!!") - only to turn around and find a Lufthansa rep running like hell after us. Panting and completely out of breath, the Lufthansa guy catches up to me, and frantically waving a booklet in my face, explains that I have a voucher from Lufthansa for having been displaced from my original flight. 



"A voucher? But I've been placed in Business Class on an Air France flight; I'm good"



"No, no, Ms. Farouky; we owe you an apology! Please accept this voucher from Lufthansa! But take it quickly and hurry, you're going to miss your flight!"



Okay - thank you, Lufthansa Guy. I take my voucher and Ms. Air France and I continue running. 



I get on the Air France flight. I settle into my seat. In all my Business Class splendor, I look down at the voucher in my hand and read the terms. They are as follows:



"As retribution for taking you off your flight, and for accepting to be placed on a different flight, Lufthansa would like to offer you its apologies and this voucher in the amount of 1,500 EURO for the inconvenience, valid for one year." ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED EURO. 



Man, seriously, bless those Germans and their efficiency. For serious.



Well, fuck it, with all that money, I decided to use the in-flight phone (at around 9 million EURO a call) and call my Dad on his cell phone.



"Dad? It's me. You'll never guess where I am..."




"HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?"



About three and a half years ago, my life got seriously upended and turned completely upside down, on its ass, into a black hole and back again on its ass, just for fun. I was kind of a fucking wreck, truth be told, and not entirely "present" from a consciousness perspective. The events leading up to this "absence of consciousness" are enough to fill a Library of Congress-sized post, so best to leave all of that to another day (or never), but suffice it to say that I was colossally heartbroken and very, very vulnerable. I needed to get from Washington, DC to Augusta, Georgia in one piece, and the prospects of that happening were not guaranteed. It's not so much that the FLIGHTS during this particular time were of any consequence, as it was that the strangers I met mid-flight, in-flight, in transit and at all points in between were, I have come to believe, angels who were sent to me by some divine power and put in my way to make sure that I was okay and that I got to Georgia in one piece. First, there was the guy at the check-in counter who, upon finding me a blubbering mess who couldn't see my luggage (from all the crying), let alone lift it, came over and put his hand on my back and just said "Breathe... let me help you out." 



This same man then had to contend with me discovering that I did not have a passport because it was, inconveniently, stuck at the Indian Consulate in New York being outfitted with a visa. Well, you can't damn well fly without ID, now, can you? And yet, and I still don't understand exactly how this happened, I managed to somehow get on that flight using just the following pieces of identification (I tell no lie): a scanned copy of my birth certificate that I somehow, in my rushed escape from my home, imagined I might need for my impending divorce; my Sesame Street ID Badge from work (Swear to God! The ID had a picture of Elmo on it and my picture beneath it. Oh, and this marked the SECOND time I was allowed to board a flight, within the United States, using my Elmo ID; so the next time someone tells you that flying in the United States is safe, you can tell them to suck it!), and a credit card. That was it. Even though this makes me very afraid and skeptical regarding the standards of the TSA, at that time, I was eternally grateful for this particular TSA Agent's leniency and his complete and utter disregard for the security of the rest of the passengers. 



Once on the flight that was bound, first for Charlotte, and then for Augusta, I was shameless in my grief. I mean, frankly, there was no way to disguise it or to hold it back, so fuck it - I just let it all out. I was sobbing. Out loud. And heaving. And as much as I attempted to look chic and composed amidst my very obvious nervous breakdown (I wore sunglasses - that was the extent of my disguise), I think it was pretty fucking obvious to everyone on that tiny little plane - all 40 passengers bound for Charlotte - that this was a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. In fact, this was a woman in the violent throes of a currently occurring nervous breakdown. And I could not have given a shit by that point. The heartwarming part of this story is that, amidst all the hyper-ventilating and heaving and sobbing, the lovely male flight attendant came up to me, leaned over my chair right after we took off, put his hand on my cheek and whispered to me "Honey, are you okay?"



I don't know why, but for some reason, just that question - maybe the way he asked it, full of compassion and warmth, devoid of any judgement, no "pull yourself together" undertone, not a hint of castigation in his voice - but a simple, loving and tender "Honey, are you okay?" and I suddenly stopped crying. Well, I was still crying, but I wasn't bawling my fucking eyes out like the world had just ended, you know?



That flight, for me, was my "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers" moment.



ONE LAST TIME


"The Desert Fox"



About a month and a half before my father died, my family and I sat in a doctor's office in North Carolina to discuss my father's obviously declining health and his end of life care plan. This, by all accounts, was NOT a fun conversation, but that's neither here nor there. At one point, my father's oncologist turned to my father and said "Mr. Farouky, you don't have a lot of time left. What would you like to do with the time you have left?"



My father's response was swift: "I want to race in the desert one more time."



Well, alrighty then. 



Our trusty oncologist gave my father the okay to go ahead, assured us that, although my father's cancer had metastasized pretty much all over his body, the metastases to his brain had been "eviscerated" by the latest round of radiation, and he would be good to race, so long as his physical strength allowed. Well, my daddy was no pussy, let me tell you, so the decision was made and plans for the entire family - myself, my sister, my youngest nephew (the older one had to remain in school) and my mother - would all head to Cairo for my father to race in the Remal Challenge in the Bahariyyah Oasis. This was May 2013. 



My father had raced in the desert for over 30 years. He is kind of a legend in that regard, having started off with motorcycles back in the early 80s and scaling up exponentially as the years went on, finally racing cars and trucks. He was so good at this, he had the nickname "The Desert Fox" bestowed on him by his peers and fellow competitors. I don't remember a time when my father wasn't racing. In fact, the image of my father in overalls covered in oil stains and carburetor fluid was so common that people often mistook him for a mechanic. Which was just fine with him... and eventually, after my sister and I got over our awkward teenage years, it became just fine with us. If he was a mechanic, you can bet your ass he was the most goddamn talented mechanic who ever lived. In April of that same year, my father had raced another desert rally and placed second. Ordinarily, this would not have been enough for him; but given that he had just finished a particularly brutal round of chemo and had just lost all of his hair in the process, the fact that he placed at all was pretty fucking impressive. It's also impressive in retrospect that he accomplished this only two months before his body was ravaged and beaten by his cancer. 


Zimo and Amr Shannon in the 80s



The flight to Cairo for that trip was a memorable one for me. It was the first time in years that my sister and I traveled together. My parents had traveled on a separate itinerary, and my sister, my younger nephew and I were together on this flight. This was a brutal trip. In all ways and for all reasons. We were heading back to Cairo as a family knowing, for all intents and purposes, that this was likely the last time we would be together at our villa in Maadi... this wasn't a thought that was necessarily top of mind for us, but I know that for me, it was very present. The awkwardness of preparing for a trip, buying the tickets, the mundaneness of the flying ritual, all of that - I felt so removed from it all and acutely aware of how normalized we tried to make it seem; even though, somehow, we all knew that there was practically nothing normal about this trip. 



My father went on to race in his last race. And we were all there with him. On day two of the challenge, his car flipped over and the axle snapped in two, effectively ending the race for him and his co-pilot. There was one more day of racing left. Dad was out. It was 40 degrees in the shade. He had hurt his hip. He was bald from chemo. And he suddenly grew very, very tired.



But, he refused to head back to Cairo without his crew and his car. It wasn't a question of trust - not at all, I think my father trusted these men with his life more than anyone else - it was loyalty. My Dad was too weak and too tired to dig his car out of the sand. His best friends and old racing buddies (who were NOT racing this race) drove in from Cairo the night he crashed and relieved him of car-saving duties. They put everything on hold to come help his assistance crew get his car out from under all the sand. My Dad couldn't go home and leave them to do this without sticking around and supporting them, if only in spirit. So, I decided to hang out with him until he was ready to head back to Cairo. 



My cousin - my uncle's son - had accompanied us on this trip. I had called him a few weeks earlier and told him that if we went to Cairo and if we went with Dad for this race, I wanted him to come along so he and I could film it all. My cousin is a filmmaker. He had begun filming a documentary of my father a few years before. I thought this would be as good a time as any to finish this film. I knew this was the last time we would be able to get my Dad on camera. I just knew. So, that's what we did. We interviewed Dad a few times. We filmed everything we could. My cousin interviewed several of my father's rally mates and his assistance crew. We have amazing footage. I haven't been able to watch any of it. I don't know when I will.



Finally, we made it back to Cairo just in time for my nephew's fourth birthday, which we celebrated together as a family. My Dad gave my nephew a medal and told him it was in honor of how helpful and great my nephew was at the rally - honestly, for a four year old, Adam was pretty fucking amazing. He didn't complain once about the heat or the lack of activity for a young kid or the fact that 5 adults were sharing one room with three beds. He just went with the flow, bless him. He was a trooper and totally deserved that medal. Of course, he'll grow up one day and realize that this "medal" was actually one of his mother's track-and-field medals from the 90s, and he might wonder why it says "100 meter sprint" on it, but until then, we're all happy to pretend this is Zimo's special award to Adam for being such a great helper.



The day after my nephew's birthday, and with a few weeks left before my parents were scheduled to head back to the US, my mother called at 7 in the morning and told me to change their tickets for "as soon as possible, your Dad is not doing well." We changed the tickets, we arranged for all sorts of oxygen tanks and engaged in an extremely complex series of emails and arrangements with Delta and Air France and Atlanta Airport before we were able to secure my father a non-stop supply of oxygen-on-demand so that he wouldn't suddenly find himself out of breath mid-flight or in transit. We worried about whether or not he would make it for the almost 17 hour trip back to Raleigh, North Carolina. We worried that my mother would be too overwhelmed to go back with him. I went over to their house the night before they left  (I was scheduled to follow a few days later) and I helped my Dad pack his bags, one last time. 



My father and I had been very honest with each other and had engaged in brutally open conversations about the likelihood that he was dying - and soon. I don't know if Dad had the same conversation with anyone else in the family, we haven't discussed that, but with me it was very understood. The night we were packing his bags, Dad couldn't move around too much anymore without running out of breath, so he sat on his chair in his bedroom and I packed while he directed me. "Put this here - no! Fold it like this! Okay, better" Eye roll. "Daaaaddd... you know, I'm not disabled. I can actually figure out how to fold your damn pants..." and so on and so forth. At one point, almost done with all the packing, we had one thing left to put in the suitcase. His winter jacket. This was in May. There was no room left in the suitcase. I paused for a moment and then looked up at my father, who was looking at me, and he said "Oh, kiddo... I don't think I'm going to be needing the jacket, honey." The prospect of Dad being around in 6 months was absurd if you took one look at him that day. So I smiled, I nodded, I said "You know what? In case you do need it, I'll bring it with me next week, okay?" Okay. We agreed. And finished packing. Worst fucking packing experience ever. And somehow, a beautiful experience, nonetheless. Maybe the honesty of it all. Maybe the fact that my Dad finally let me help him do something he was sure he could do better. Maybe the fact that we got to spend an hour just chit-chatting and folding his clothes and putting them in a bag. I don't know... but I cherish it. All of it.



My father died three weeks later. That's a whole other story for another time, but the trip to and from Cairo during my father's last month alive was bittersweet, painful, exciting, impressive (the man raced in 40 degree heat one MONTH before he died... think about that for a second), melancholic... just a big basket of feelings and emotions. Of course, given my tendency to cry at high altitudes, there was a butt-load of crying on the return flight. I assume this is a given.



Bottom line: My father was a fucking rock star. That is all.






(This video is NOT the film my cousin and I worked on. This is a tribute made by my father's racing buddies in his memory.)






TAKE FLIGHT




Beyond these notable and memorable trips, I remember so many incidents and feelings that are evoked by memories of trips gone by. For instance, I remember the feeling I had when I took my flight to New York City back in 1997 when I had decided to go live there. I was scared to death. I was young-ish (25 is pretty young, right?); I was broke, but full of promise and excitement and the wonders of "what can happen will happen" and feelings of euphoria at a dream of  living in New York Fucking City being finally fulfilled! I had only dreamed of this possibility. But, one broken heart and a failed relationship and I was NYC-bound with two suitcases, $700 courtesy of my beautiful Mom and Dad, and dreams galore. Dreams of new beginnings and big lives and tall buildings. I definitely got new beginnings, and certainly a big life (albeit in VERY small spaces - glorified closets, really, for the price of half your life savings, but who the fuck cares? It's New York City!), and very, very tall buildings. New York, and my life in it for 13 years, far exceeded every dream and any expectation I may have had when I boarded that flight on April 12, 1997. I have never regretted that trip. And what a trip.



COMING HOME


I remember the flight back to Cairo on May 18th, 2011, heading BACK to my life in Egypt after 14 glorious years in the United States. Heading back "home" to heal, to mend, to try and piece together the many fragmented pieces of a very shattered heart and many, many broken dreams. A divorce will do that to a girl, and even though I am over it all now, I remember feeling like that trip was the exact polar opposite of the flight TO New York City in 1997 - this one was devoid of dreams, certainly not filled with excitement and absolutely not a happy trip. It was more of the "downtrodden, beaten and defeated" variety and filled with many, many tears due, no doubt, to the fucking altitude! 



Interestingly, though, in retrospect I can say that despite all the shittiness of that trip, there was something rather comforting about it all. Coming home is an interesting thing, isn't it? Good or bad, it's home. It's where your soul was fed and nurtured; and we don't forget that which touches our soul... it's like the comfort of the womb, somehow. I never, in a million years, had planned to live in Egypt again. Never. It was not an option. And yet, one divorce, and suddenly I'm on a plane headed for Cairo like the world is running out of fucking countries! Even I am still stunned by the non-negotiable-ness of that decision. I remember telling stunned friends that, in the end, home is where my heart needed to go to be healed. I would think of heading back to the US at times and want to vomit. I took that as a sign. 



I also remember far less poignant flights with much less symbolism and of almost no import whatsoever, but still memorable to me for one reason or another - like the one time I was flying, in December, from Tanzania to Jordan on my way to Ramallah for the very first time. Apart from the prospect of being on my way to Palestine - which, to me, was EPIC - I remember the trip because I was accompanied on the flight by a family of four Australians who were, I'm assuming, Muslim converts. The father was dressed in a to-just-above-the-ankles galabeyya, the mother was covered entirely with nary an eye slit to be seen, in full-on niqab, and the two kids were adorable and rowdy, as kids will be. Nothing about this was disturbing, but perhaps a little curious. Thick Aussie accents, in full-on Islamic attire. Interesting. 



Disturbing, however, was the sudden SCREAMING of the 4-5 year old girl who, out of the blue, upon taxiing for take-off, began reciting the Quran at an unreasonable volume and her mother encouragingly saying "Good girl! Let everyone hear you speak the word of Allah!" Listen, I'm not going to lie to you, this is post 9/11; I was fucking worried, okay? I don't know about you, but I much prefer my religious co-passengers reciting their holiness in voices that cannot be heard. But barring that, I would really fucking appreciate it if your 4 year old didn't SCREAM "La Illah illa Allah!" at hyper decibel volumes with you covered in midnight black and prodding her on to "spread the truth." Jesus, not in today's world. Please.



Then there was the Royal Jordanian flight I took with my friend from New York to Amman that ended with us both being slightly inebriated and VERY despised by pretty much the entire flight - crew and passengers alike. It started off innocently enough - an 11-hour flight in the middle of the night; what are two girls to do? Why, drink, of course. By the 4th mini-bottle of vodka, we were arbitrarily cut off by one particularly snarky flight attendant. Not one to be restricted in any way, I proceeded to have a very logical and feminism-focused conversation with the Head Flight Attendant. People were not amused. Arguments of sexism and forced morality were thrown about. The words "oppression" and "Nazi" may or may not have been thrown in for good measure. Basically, it was a disaster. Of course, to shut us up, the crew acquiesced and brought us more alcohol, but by the end of the flight, Michelle and I felt like we were wearing two HUGE Scarlet Letters B (for Bitch) across our chests. It was not a pleasant flight by all accounts, but boy did we laugh our Scarlet Letter Asses off!



Or the one time I flew to and from Hawaii with the most evil person I've ever met. For that story, see the post titled "Does Aloha Also Mean Fat in Hawaiian?" because I just can't get into that one again.





"PLEASE REMAIN SEATED UNTIL THE FASTEN SEAT BELT SIGN IS TURNED OFF"



For all its wonders and the as-yet-inexplicable-to-me physics of how on earth this fucking bus of steel stays up in the air, the most fascinating part of flying for me is the myriad observations of human nature and the never-ending amusement to be had just by watching people as they travel. For one thing, what the fuck is it about the mad rush to stand up the INSTANT the plane hits the runway? Seriously? Have you not done this enough times by now to know that there ain't no fucking way you're getting off this flight any faster than if you just sat your ass down and waited, like everyone else? Plus, aren't we too old to be yelled at by the flight attendants for standing up while the plane is still moving? Come on, people. This never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes it also really pisses me off. I notice that lately, I am pissed off often when I travel. Maybe I need to invest in a for-the-plane-only bottle of Xanax, I don't know, but lately, travelers are really getting on my last nerve. Truth is, I might be going too far in the OTHER direction - I was once so relaxed about getting off the flight, waiting for the absolute last passenger to disembark, that I ended up getting yelled at by the crew because they almost left me on the plane all alone and I was, apparently, "holding everyone up on the tarmac in the bus!!" In fairness to me, this could just be because they were a Swiss crew and we know how particular the Swiss are about timing; Jeez!



All told, the process of getting from point A to point B (or Z) amazes me still; even after all these years and all these flights. I STILL get a thrill from the IDEA of leafing through the Duty Free catalog. My thrill often turns quickly to disappointment when I realize that Duty Free actually sucks these days and is nowhere near as exciting as it used to be when I was younger, but a girl can dream. 



I still get excited about the idea of curling up under a blanket (my own - because much like the bathroom floor situation, I've learned the hard way to NEVER use an airline blanket and to always take my own. Same goes for the pillows. Just trust me and don't ask too many questions. You may never fly again if you ask) and taking a nap. I love the disconnectedness of the experience, whether it's in the airport or on the plane itself, and yet I find the whole idea of sitting and, if you're lucky enough to get any, sleeping in such close proximity to a person you've never met before and are unlikely to ever meet again, very odd and a little awkward. 



Ultimately, the idea that you get on a plane with a destination and a purpose - be it work, vacation, funerals, weddings, last trips home with a dying father, or first trips out to a new life - each flight, each trip, each experience brings with it this sense of something unknown. 



Will there be turbulence? Who the hell knows?! Will the fish give me food poisoning? Only time will tell! Will the guy next to me end up snoring so loudly that I'll want to jump from the plane and engage the parachute? You never can tell! Isn't that all so exciting? I think so. 



And even as the allure and the romanticism of flight and travel are slowly, and yet determinedly, being chipped away with every passing year (and every passing birthday), I still love the fact that, to date, I can get on a plane, turn off my phone, be completely unreachable for a few hours (or days, depending on the journey), and watch a really cheesy movie that will undoubtedly make me sob (on account of the altitude, I insist!). This is a prospect I STILL look forward to every time. 



Even when I'm cranky and hating everyone. 



Even when I have to practically disrobe and humiliate myself with a body search. 



Even when I have that one goddamn bottle of cream that is 3.5 fucking Fl oz. and has to be discarded (Fuck!). 



Even then, I still get in that seat, fasten that seat belt, and somehow drift off into the promise of what MIGHT be waiting at the other end of this adventure.

Fly me to the moon, I say... Sign me up.