Monday, October 6, 2014

I Believe I Can Fly.

The 30,000 ft. View




Flying.


I love it. 



I love everything about it. 



Now, don't get me wrong - I don't love everything that comes before the actual flying; nor am I particularly fond of all that comes after the flying. That whole "waiting for your luggage" business at the airport? Yeah, I'm not a fan. Removing all of your clothes, shoes, and that whole "do-I-or-don't-I-put-all-my-crap-in-a-Ziploc-bag?" dance-slash-guessing game at the beginning of the security line? Hate that game. Hate. It. But once I actually get on the plane, find my seat, buckle my seat belt and lean back for the duration? Oh, I love that part.



Over the years, I've developed a certain set of "rituals" when it comes to flying. They include, but are not limited to, the need to sit in a window seat if the flight is less than 4 hours, but in the aisle if it's any longer than that (bathroom breaks and my express desire to NOT need to get to know my row mates intimately as I try to squeeze my way past them with my ass effectively in their throats - I'm not interested in getting to know anyone that well). Also, the ONLY airlines on which I will actually eat the food are Royal Jordanian (they come around with a buffet cart in Business Class, seriously - freshly cooked dinner, it's pretty amazing), South African Airlines and maybe - depending on the menu - Lufthansa and Singapore Airlines. In most other cases, I pack a lunch, grab a McDonald's at the airport (a ritual that is firmly predicated on the belief that no calories consumed while traveling can be counted... something to do with gravity... I don't know, I'm still perfecting the theory, but I'm CERTAIN of its accuracy. Of course, the several pounds of flesh that tend to grow around my waistline after a particularly frequent traveling stint will, one day, prove me entirely false, but until then...), or a bag of trail mix and call it a day. I've also perfected the art of the "carry-on" - a few tips: you know all those books you're sure you're going to have time to read? Yeah, you're not going to read them on this flight, so spare your neck and shoulders the pain and weight, and pack a magazine or buy a Kindle or other e-reader. Trust me. Also, your computer and all your work papers that you're certain you will make time to review and the presentation you're going to edit on your laptop? Not happening. Not today. Unless you're one of those uber-annoying productive types who can't just chill the fuck out for one second to enjoy the in-flight movie; in which case, I can't help you and I don't relate to you, but good luck with all that. And speaking of the in-flight movie, what IS it with all the crying on planes? I read something somewhere about the altitude wreaking some sort of havoc on our emotions, but seriously, I think my system needs some tweaking because crying - hysterically, I might add - at the end of "Bridesmaids" is a little much. Oh, and always, ALWAYS bring a pair of crappy socks you don't want or a pair of extra hotel slippers with you to wear to the bathroom - I don't even want to think about what gets on those floors and I definitely don't want anything I will take with me off the plane to touch whatever grossness lies beneath. So, socks and/or slippers go on during the bathroom trips and are dispensed of upon disembarkation. You're welcome.



Anyway, the point being that I don't remember a time when I didn't fly. By all accounts, I was flying before I was a self-aware human being. My parents tell the story of how I flew to Cairo as a newborn baby, all dressed up and ready to meet my hyper-excited grandparents, who apparently gained access to the plane and literally greeted me upon landing. So, I've been flying for a long time. But in all the years of travel, there are a few flights that I consider to be particularly noteworthy, for one reason or another. On a recent flight, I found myself reminiscing and recounting to myself the flights that have stayed with me.





DOWN UNDER



One flight that stands out for me is the first time I went to Australia with my family. I think I may have been 9 or 10 years old. So, here's the thing: for some reason, I really, really wanted to be a flight attendant when I was a kid. I was mesmerized by flight attendants. Not sure why, but there you have it. So, for this VERY long flight (if I recall, it was a 28-hour flight from Cairo with a stop in Singapore, but I could be making that part up), I INSISTED that I needed to wear a suit. Dead serious. I made my parents buy me a turquoise blue skirt and blazer that I paired with a pink button down shirt and heels (or what I, a 10 year old, would have considered heels - I'm certain my mother did not let me wear actual heels at that age). 



We were flying Qantas Airlines and I read through the Qantas information leaflet in excruciating detail, making my mother give me all the cream she had on her because (a) we were still allowed to take creams with us onboard airplanes back in the day, and (b) because the leaflet said that "your skin will get dry from the flight and you must be sure to keep it moisturized." Well, I wanted to be a professional, you know, so I took this shit very literally. I remember covering myself in cream and following all the instructions and suggestions word for word. I also think, and again I could be totally dreaming this up, that I helped the flight attendants deliver the dinner service on board. I may have attempted to do this and been yelled at and asked to "please get back to your seat immediately," but I can almost swear that I actually did it and that no one yelled at me. I also think I remember my sister, who despite only being 7 or 8 years old at the time, dramatically rolling her eyes at me for being entirely ridiculous and over-the-top. This would not be the first nor the last time my sister reacted this way to me.



At any rate, the flight was a memorable one; Australia was fascinating to me, and I think I may have worn that same "flight attendant" suit for several more years - I swear to God, I have a distinct memory of one flight attendant from Qantas giving me a flight pin that I promptly and proudly pinned to my lapel and strutted about like a miniature flight attendant. Yeah, I was THAT kid.



"ENTSCHULDIGUNG?"



Years ago, during a particularly packed travel season for my old job, I was traveling back to New York via Frankfurt from Cairo at 4 in the morning on a Lufthansa flight. I was so tired and fighting a cold and my parents were driving me to the airport. I was in the back seat of the car bemoaning my flight, the coach class ticket I was stuck with and the very long flight home (back when "home" was New York City). All I really wanted was to be upgraded to Business Class so I could sleep on the flight. My mother said "Well, why don't you just ask?", to which my father laughed and said, mockingly, "Yeah, sure! Why not? You pair of princesses, you two... just ask and you shall receive!" I made some remark about how negative he was, but agreed that it was VERY unlikely but that I would give it a shot anyway - what did I have to lose? Mom and Dad dropped me off and headed home... I arrived at the Lufthansa counter. 



The counter manager was very familiar with me on account of all the flying I used to do in and out of Cairo for my work at the time. He greeted me with a too-hyper-for-2-in-the-morning "hello!" and I walked over to him, downtrodden, beaten, tired and weary. 



"Any chance at all you can get me upgraded to Business Class on this flight?"



"Ha! You're lucky if I can get you on the flight at all! We're overbooked by 90 passengers!"



"Um... what?"



"Well, I do have an Air France flight leaving RIGHT NOW, if you don't mind running. But it's a fully booked flight, so you'll have to sit in Business Class, is that okay?"



Hang on - does anyone ever say "no" to that question? "No, I'd really prefer being packed in like a sardine into a seat that's too small for the next 7 hours; but thanks anyway"? YES! I'll fucking take it. Are you kidding??



So, in a flurry of activity, with only seconds to spare, I was whisked off past security, literally running, with an Air France rep grabbing my arm and ushering me through to the flight. At which point, we heard "Entschuldigung?!!!" ("Excuse me!!!") - only to turn around and find a Lufthansa rep running like hell after us. Panting and completely out of breath, the Lufthansa guy catches up to me, and frantically waving a booklet in my face, explains that I have a voucher from Lufthansa for having been displaced from my original flight. 



"A voucher? But I've been placed in Business Class on an Air France flight; I'm good"



"No, no, Ms. Farouky; we owe you an apology! Please accept this voucher from Lufthansa! But take it quickly and hurry, you're going to miss your flight!"



Okay - thank you, Lufthansa Guy. I take my voucher and Ms. Air France and I continue running. 



I get on the Air France flight. I settle into my seat. In all my Business Class splendor, I look down at the voucher in my hand and read the terms. They are as follows:



"As retribution for taking you off your flight, and for accepting to be placed on a different flight, Lufthansa would like to offer you its apologies and this voucher in the amount of 1,500 EURO for the inconvenience, valid for one year." ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED EURO. 



Man, seriously, bless those Germans and their efficiency. For serious.



Well, fuck it, with all that money, I decided to use the in-flight phone (at around 9 million EURO a call) and call my Dad on his cell phone.



"Dad? It's me. You'll never guess where I am..."




"HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY?"



About three and a half years ago, my life got seriously upended and turned completely upside down, on its ass, into a black hole and back again on its ass, just for fun. I was kind of a fucking wreck, truth be told, and not entirely "present" from a consciousness perspective. The events leading up to this "absence of consciousness" are enough to fill a Library of Congress-sized post, so best to leave all of that to another day (or never), but suffice it to say that I was colossally heartbroken and very, very vulnerable. I needed to get from Washington, DC to Augusta, Georgia in one piece, and the prospects of that happening were not guaranteed. It's not so much that the FLIGHTS during this particular time were of any consequence, as it was that the strangers I met mid-flight, in-flight, in transit and at all points in between were, I have come to believe, angels who were sent to me by some divine power and put in my way to make sure that I was okay and that I got to Georgia in one piece. First, there was the guy at the check-in counter who, upon finding me a blubbering mess who couldn't see my luggage (from all the crying), let alone lift it, came over and put his hand on my back and just said "Breathe... let me help you out." 



This same man then had to contend with me discovering that I did not have a passport because it was, inconveniently, stuck at the Indian Consulate in New York being outfitted with a visa. Well, you can't damn well fly without ID, now, can you? And yet, and I still don't understand exactly how this happened, I managed to somehow get on that flight using just the following pieces of identification (I tell no lie): a scanned copy of my birth certificate that I somehow, in my rushed escape from my home, imagined I might need for my impending divorce; my Sesame Street ID Badge from work (Swear to God! The ID had a picture of Elmo on it and my picture beneath it. Oh, and this marked the SECOND time I was allowed to board a flight, within the United States, using my Elmo ID; so the next time someone tells you that flying in the United States is safe, you can tell them to suck it!), and a credit card. That was it. Even though this makes me very afraid and skeptical regarding the standards of the TSA, at that time, I was eternally grateful for this particular TSA Agent's leniency and his complete and utter disregard for the security of the rest of the passengers. 



Once on the flight that was bound, first for Charlotte, and then for Augusta, I was shameless in my grief. I mean, frankly, there was no way to disguise it or to hold it back, so fuck it - I just let it all out. I was sobbing. Out loud. And heaving. And as much as I attempted to look chic and composed amidst my very obvious nervous breakdown (I wore sunglasses - that was the extent of my disguise), I think it was pretty fucking obvious to everyone on that tiny little plane - all 40 passengers bound for Charlotte - that this was a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown. In fact, this was a woman in the violent throes of a currently occurring nervous breakdown. And I could not have given a shit by that point. The heartwarming part of this story is that, amidst all the hyper-ventilating and heaving and sobbing, the lovely male flight attendant came up to me, leaned over my chair right after we took off, put his hand on my cheek and whispered to me "Honey, are you okay?"



I don't know why, but for some reason, just that question - maybe the way he asked it, full of compassion and warmth, devoid of any judgement, no "pull yourself together" undertone, not a hint of castigation in his voice - but a simple, loving and tender "Honey, are you okay?" and I suddenly stopped crying. Well, I was still crying, but I wasn't bawling my fucking eyes out like the world had just ended, you know?



That flight, for me, was my "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers" moment.



ONE LAST TIME


"The Desert Fox"



About a month and a half before my father died, my family and I sat in a doctor's office in North Carolina to discuss my father's obviously declining health and his end of life care plan. This, by all accounts, was NOT a fun conversation, but that's neither here nor there. At one point, my father's oncologist turned to my father and said "Mr. Farouky, you don't have a lot of time left. What would you like to do with the time you have left?"



My father's response was swift: "I want to race in the desert one more time."



Well, alrighty then. 



Our trusty oncologist gave my father the okay to go ahead, assured us that, although my father's cancer had metastasized pretty much all over his body, the metastases to his brain had been "eviscerated" by the latest round of radiation, and he would be good to race, so long as his physical strength allowed. Well, my daddy was no pussy, let me tell you, so the decision was made and plans for the entire family - myself, my sister, my youngest nephew (the older one had to remain in school) and my mother - would all head to Cairo for my father to race in the Remal Challenge in the Bahariyyah Oasis. This was May 2013. 



My father had raced in the desert for over 30 years. He is kind of a legend in that regard, having started off with motorcycles back in the early 80s and scaling up exponentially as the years went on, finally racing cars and trucks. He was so good at this, he had the nickname "The Desert Fox" bestowed on him by his peers and fellow competitors. I don't remember a time when my father wasn't racing. In fact, the image of my father in overalls covered in oil stains and carburetor fluid was so common that people often mistook him for a mechanic. Which was just fine with him... and eventually, after my sister and I got over our awkward teenage years, it became just fine with us. If he was a mechanic, you can bet your ass he was the most goddamn talented mechanic who ever lived. In April of that same year, my father had raced another desert rally and placed second. Ordinarily, this would not have been enough for him; but given that he had just finished a particularly brutal round of chemo and had just lost all of his hair in the process, the fact that he placed at all was pretty fucking impressive. It's also impressive in retrospect that he accomplished this only two months before his body was ravaged and beaten by his cancer. 


Zimo and Amr Shannon in the 80s



The flight to Cairo for that trip was a memorable one for me. It was the first time in years that my sister and I traveled together. My parents had traveled on a separate itinerary, and my sister, my younger nephew and I were together on this flight. This was a brutal trip. In all ways and for all reasons. We were heading back to Cairo as a family knowing, for all intents and purposes, that this was likely the last time we would be together at our villa in Maadi... this wasn't a thought that was necessarily top of mind for us, but I know that for me, it was very present. The awkwardness of preparing for a trip, buying the tickets, the mundaneness of the flying ritual, all of that - I felt so removed from it all and acutely aware of how normalized we tried to make it seem; even though, somehow, we all knew that there was practically nothing normal about this trip. 



My father went on to race in his last race. And we were all there with him. On day two of the challenge, his car flipped over and the axle snapped in two, effectively ending the race for him and his co-pilot. There was one more day of racing left. Dad was out. It was 40 degrees in the shade. He had hurt his hip. He was bald from chemo. And he suddenly grew very, very tired.



But, he refused to head back to Cairo without his crew and his car. It wasn't a question of trust - not at all, I think my father trusted these men with his life more than anyone else - it was loyalty. My Dad was too weak and too tired to dig his car out of the sand. His best friends and old racing buddies (who were NOT racing this race) drove in from Cairo the night he crashed and relieved him of car-saving duties. They put everything on hold to come help his assistance crew get his car out from under all the sand. My Dad couldn't go home and leave them to do this without sticking around and supporting them, if only in spirit. So, I decided to hang out with him until he was ready to head back to Cairo. 



My cousin - my uncle's son - had accompanied us on this trip. I had called him a few weeks earlier and told him that if we went to Cairo and if we went with Dad for this race, I wanted him to come along so he and I could film it all. My cousin is a filmmaker. He had begun filming a documentary of my father a few years before. I thought this would be as good a time as any to finish this film. I knew this was the last time we would be able to get my Dad on camera. I just knew. So, that's what we did. We interviewed Dad a few times. We filmed everything we could. My cousin interviewed several of my father's rally mates and his assistance crew. We have amazing footage. I haven't been able to watch any of it. I don't know when I will.



Finally, we made it back to Cairo just in time for my nephew's fourth birthday, which we celebrated together as a family. My Dad gave my nephew a medal and told him it was in honor of how helpful and great my nephew was at the rally - honestly, for a four year old, Adam was pretty fucking amazing. He didn't complain once about the heat or the lack of activity for a young kid or the fact that 5 adults were sharing one room with three beds. He just went with the flow, bless him. He was a trooper and totally deserved that medal. Of course, he'll grow up one day and realize that this "medal" was actually one of his mother's track-and-field medals from the 90s, and he might wonder why it says "100 meter sprint" on it, but until then, we're all happy to pretend this is Zimo's special award to Adam for being such a great helper.



The day after my nephew's birthday, and with a few weeks left before my parents were scheduled to head back to the US, my mother called at 7 in the morning and told me to change their tickets for "as soon as possible, your Dad is not doing well." We changed the tickets, we arranged for all sorts of oxygen tanks and engaged in an extremely complex series of emails and arrangements with Delta and Air France and Atlanta Airport before we were able to secure my father a non-stop supply of oxygen-on-demand so that he wouldn't suddenly find himself out of breath mid-flight or in transit. We worried about whether or not he would make it for the almost 17 hour trip back to Raleigh, North Carolina. We worried that my mother would be too overwhelmed to go back with him. I went over to their house the night before they left  (I was scheduled to follow a few days later) and I helped my Dad pack his bags, one last time. 



My father and I had been very honest with each other and had engaged in brutally open conversations about the likelihood that he was dying - and soon. I don't know if Dad had the same conversation with anyone else in the family, we haven't discussed that, but with me it was very understood. The night we were packing his bags, Dad couldn't move around too much anymore without running out of breath, so he sat on his chair in his bedroom and I packed while he directed me. "Put this here - no! Fold it like this! Okay, better" Eye roll. "Daaaaddd... you know, I'm not disabled. I can actually figure out how to fold your damn pants..." and so on and so forth. At one point, almost done with all the packing, we had one thing left to put in the suitcase. His winter jacket. This was in May. There was no room left in the suitcase. I paused for a moment and then looked up at my father, who was looking at me, and he said "Oh, kiddo... I don't think I'm going to be needing the jacket, honey." The prospect of Dad being around in 6 months was absurd if you took one look at him that day. So I smiled, I nodded, I said "You know what? In case you do need it, I'll bring it with me next week, okay?" Okay. We agreed. And finished packing. Worst fucking packing experience ever. And somehow, a beautiful experience, nonetheless. Maybe the honesty of it all. Maybe the fact that my Dad finally let me help him do something he was sure he could do better. Maybe the fact that we got to spend an hour just chit-chatting and folding his clothes and putting them in a bag. I don't know... but I cherish it. All of it.



My father died three weeks later. That's a whole other story for another time, but the trip to and from Cairo during my father's last month alive was bittersweet, painful, exciting, impressive (the man raced in 40 degree heat one MONTH before he died... think about that for a second), melancholic... just a big basket of feelings and emotions. Of course, given my tendency to cry at high altitudes, there was a butt-load of crying on the return flight. I assume this is a given.



Bottom line: My father was a fucking rock star. That is all.






(This video is NOT the film my cousin and I worked on. This is a tribute made by my father's racing buddies in his memory.)






TAKE FLIGHT




Beyond these notable and memorable trips, I remember so many incidents and feelings that are evoked by memories of trips gone by. For instance, I remember the feeling I had when I took my flight to New York City back in 1997 when I had decided to go live there. I was scared to death. I was young-ish (25 is pretty young, right?); I was broke, but full of promise and excitement and the wonders of "what can happen will happen" and feelings of euphoria at a dream of  living in New York Fucking City being finally fulfilled! I had only dreamed of this possibility. But, one broken heart and a failed relationship and I was NYC-bound with two suitcases, $700 courtesy of my beautiful Mom and Dad, and dreams galore. Dreams of new beginnings and big lives and tall buildings. I definitely got new beginnings, and certainly a big life (albeit in VERY small spaces - glorified closets, really, for the price of half your life savings, but who the fuck cares? It's New York City!), and very, very tall buildings. New York, and my life in it for 13 years, far exceeded every dream and any expectation I may have had when I boarded that flight on April 12, 1997. I have never regretted that trip. And what a trip.



COMING HOME


I remember the flight back to Cairo on May 18th, 2011, heading BACK to my life in Egypt after 14 glorious years in the United States. Heading back "home" to heal, to mend, to try and piece together the many fragmented pieces of a very shattered heart and many, many broken dreams. A divorce will do that to a girl, and even though I am over it all now, I remember feeling like that trip was the exact polar opposite of the flight TO New York City in 1997 - this one was devoid of dreams, certainly not filled with excitement and absolutely not a happy trip. It was more of the "downtrodden, beaten and defeated" variety and filled with many, many tears due, no doubt, to the fucking altitude! 



Interestingly, though, in retrospect I can say that despite all the shittiness of that trip, there was something rather comforting about it all. Coming home is an interesting thing, isn't it? Good or bad, it's home. It's where your soul was fed and nurtured; and we don't forget that which touches our soul... it's like the comfort of the womb, somehow. I never, in a million years, had planned to live in Egypt again. Never. It was not an option. And yet, one divorce, and suddenly I'm on a plane headed for Cairo like the world is running out of fucking countries! Even I am still stunned by the non-negotiable-ness of that decision. I remember telling stunned friends that, in the end, home is where my heart needed to go to be healed. I would think of heading back to the US at times and want to vomit. I took that as a sign. 



I also remember far less poignant flights with much less symbolism and of almost no import whatsoever, but still memorable to me for one reason or another - like the one time I was flying, in December, from Tanzania to Jordan on my way to Ramallah for the very first time. Apart from the prospect of being on my way to Palestine - which, to me, was EPIC - I remember the trip because I was accompanied on the flight by a family of four Australians who were, I'm assuming, Muslim converts. The father was dressed in a to-just-above-the-ankles galabeyya, the mother was covered entirely with nary an eye slit to be seen, in full-on niqab, and the two kids were adorable and rowdy, as kids will be. Nothing about this was disturbing, but perhaps a little curious. Thick Aussie accents, in full-on Islamic attire. Interesting. 



Disturbing, however, was the sudden SCREAMING of the 4-5 year old girl who, out of the blue, upon taxiing for take-off, began reciting the Quran at an unreasonable volume and her mother encouragingly saying "Good girl! Let everyone hear you speak the word of Allah!" Listen, I'm not going to lie to you, this is post 9/11; I was fucking worried, okay? I don't know about you, but I much prefer my religious co-passengers reciting their holiness in voices that cannot be heard. But barring that, I would really fucking appreciate it if your 4 year old didn't SCREAM "La Illah illa Allah!" at hyper decibel volumes with you covered in midnight black and prodding her on to "spread the truth." Jesus, not in today's world. Please.



Then there was the Royal Jordanian flight I took with my friend from New York to Amman that ended with us both being slightly inebriated and VERY despised by pretty much the entire flight - crew and passengers alike. It started off innocently enough - an 11-hour flight in the middle of the night; what are two girls to do? Why, drink, of course. By the 4th mini-bottle of vodka, we were arbitrarily cut off by one particularly snarky flight attendant. Not one to be restricted in any way, I proceeded to have a very logical and feminism-focused conversation with the Head Flight Attendant. People were not amused. Arguments of sexism and forced morality were thrown about. The words "oppression" and "Nazi" may or may not have been thrown in for good measure. Basically, it was a disaster. Of course, to shut us up, the crew acquiesced and brought us more alcohol, but by the end of the flight, Michelle and I felt like we were wearing two HUGE Scarlet Letters B (for Bitch) across our chests. It was not a pleasant flight by all accounts, but boy did we laugh our Scarlet Letter Asses off!



Or the one time I flew to and from Hawaii with the most evil person I've ever met. For that story, see the post titled "Does Aloha Also Mean Fat in Hawaiian?" because I just can't get into that one again.





"PLEASE REMAIN SEATED UNTIL THE FASTEN SEAT BELT SIGN IS TURNED OFF"



For all its wonders and the as-yet-inexplicable-to-me physics of how on earth this fucking bus of steel stays up in the air, the most fascinating part of flying for me is the myriad observations of human nature and the never-ending amusement to be had just by watching people as they travel. For one thing, what the fuck is it about the mad rush to stand up the INSTANT the plane hits the runway? Seriously? Have you not done this enough times by now to know that there ain't no fucking way you're getting off this flight any faster than if you just sat your ass down and waited, like everyone else? Plus, aren't we too old to be yelled at by the flight attendants for standing up while the plane is still moving? Come on, people. This never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes it also really pisses me off. I notice that lately, I am pissed off often when I travel. Maybe I need to invest in a for-the-plane-only bottle of Xanax, I don't know, but lately, travelers are really getting on my last nerve. Truth is, I might be going too far in the OTHER direction - I was once so relaxed about getting off the flight, waiting for the absolute last passenger to disembark, that I ended up getting yelled at by the crew because they almost left me on the plane all alone and I was, apparently, "holding everyone up on the tarmac in the bus!!" In fairness to me, this could just be because they were a Swiss crew and we know how particular the Swiss are about timing; Jeez!



All told, the process of getting from point A to point B (or Z) amazes me still; even after all these years and all these flights. I STILL get a thrill from the IDEA of leafing through the Duty Free catalog. My thrill often turns quickly to disappointment when I realize that Duty Free actually sucks these days and is nowhere near as exciting as it used to be when I was younger, but a girl can dream. 



I still get excited about the idea of curling up under a blanket (my own - because much like the bathroom floor situation, I've learned the hard way to NEVER use an airline blanket and to always take my own. Same goes for the pillows. Just trust me and don't ask too many questions. You may never fly again if you ask) and taking a nap. I love the disconnectedness of the experience, whether it's in the airport or on the plane itself, and yet I find the whole idea of sitting and, if you're lucky enough to get any, sleeping in such close proximity to a person you've never met before and are unlikely to ever meet again, very odd and a little awkward. 



Ultimately, the idea that you get on a plane with a destination and a purpose - be it work, vacation, funerals, weddings, last trips home with a dying father, or first trips out to a new life - each flight, each trip, each experience brings with it this sense of something unknown. 



Will there be turbulence? Who the hell knows?! Will the fish give me food poisoning? Only time will tell! Will the guy next to me end up snoring so loudly that I'll want to jump from the plane and engage the parachute? You never can tell! Isn't that all so exciting? I think so. 



And even as the allure and the romanticism of flight and travel are slowly, and yet determinedly, being chipped away with every passing year (and every passing birthday), I still love the fact that, to date, I can get on a plane, turn off my phone, be completely unreachable for a few hours (or days, depending on the journey), and watch a really cheesy movie that will undoubtedly make me sob (on account of the altitude, I insist!). This is a prospect I STILL look forward to every time. 



Even when I'm cranky and hating everyone. 



Even when I have to practically disrobe and humiliate myself with a body search. 



Even when I have that one goddamn bottle of cream that is 3.5 fucking Fl oz. and has to be discarded (Fuck!). 



Even then, I still get in that seat, fasten that seat belt, and somehow drift off into the promise of what MIGHT be waiting at the other end of this adventure.

Fly me to the moon, I say... Sign me up.



Friday, June 13, 2014

When Is Rape The Victim's Fault?


When is it okay to rape someone and claim it was their fault?

I've pondered this question very seriously for the past week and I haven't been able to change my answer no matter how many angles or how many arguments I hear for one side or the other - and yes, there are sides to this and there are, indeed, people who believe that in some cases, sometimes it is the victim's fault. 

So I'd like to, purely for the sake of argument and as an exercise in "Devil's Advocacy", explore the arguments and see if, somehow, I will come up with a different answer.

We've all heard the myriad ways in which women are explicitly or implicitly blamed for rape - "what was she wearing?", "who goes out dressed like that, getting drunk, at that time of night?", "if she's going to act like that, all provocative, then she's asking for it"... and the list goes on...

The case of the woman who was recently gang-raped in the middle of Tahrir Square in Cairo last week while a couple of thousand people stood by and watched ignited a firestorm of vitriol and spurred discussions and arguments galore, in some cases shedding a frightening light on where some people stand vis-a-vis this issue. I personally saw some social media comments from people who earnestly argued that "rape isn't always the woman's fault, but sometimes it is..." In fact, one guy went so far as to make the case that "sometimes women dress up all provocatively... women are sly and cunning foxes and they should use their cunningness to know when it is okay to provoke a man." Yes. Seriously. Someone said that. 

Now, I know this may seem like a rather extreme point of view and not one that is shared by many, but that's simply not true. Maybe not everyone who feels this way would necessarily put it as crassly, but the truth is that far too many men and women actually believe that, in some cases, the way women dress, drink, talk, act, think, breathe and live, puts part of the responsibility of their assault and violation on their own damn shoulders. Once I get over my urge to vomit, I am actually so intrigued by this mindset. Intrigued in that way that the Nazis intrigue me; intrigued in that way that serial killers intrigue me; intrigued in that way that justifiers of rape intrigue me.

So, let's break down these arguments and see where they lead, shall we?

In the land of the purely hypothetical, let's consider this all-too-common scenario:

Once upon a time, a woman in her 20s goes out for a night on the town with her friends. She is wearing a cute little skirt and a sleeveless top in red. She has on her heels and lets her hair down for a change - couple that with a little sexy make-up and, well, there you go... sexy mama.

At the bar, she has a few drinks. Maybe a few too many. She dances, she flirts, she drinks some more and maybe she gets a little drunk. At one point during the night, she meets a guy. A nice enough guy, but not anyone she is particularly interested in, but you know, she's in a good mood - she's feeling sexy and loving the attention. She somehow ends up at this guy's house. She's a little drunk and she's sleepy and she asks to lie down. He takes her to his room and puts her on his bed and leaves her there for a few hours. Later that night, when he's ready to go to sleep, he gets in bed next to her and he starts to take her clothes off. Still a little drunk, she wakes up in a semi-daze and notices this stranger on top of her, removing her clothes and whispering sweet nothings in her ear... she tries to push him off, he won't budge. He just keeps cajoling her, gently at first, and then a little more forcefully (but not so forceful that it can be considered violent, yet forceful enough that she can't get out from under his man-weight)... all the while, he keeps telling her "but you're so sexy... you know you are... you know you want this, you know it will feel good..." and she keeps  saying "no" and she keeps trying to push him away and he ignores it all and, finally he pushes himself inside her. And then, he has sex with her. He has sex with her because he wants to. He has sex with her even though he knows(because she tells him) that she doesn't want to. 

The next morning, she wakes up and truly cannot recall where she is, who she is with and what happened. Who is this man in bed next to her? Oh my God, did she have sex with this man? Fuck, did he use a condom? What the fuck happened last night?

Quickly, she gathers her stuff, puts on her clothes and goes home... she spends the next week trying to piece together the events of that night. In her own mind, she goes through all the questions - "was I too drunk? Was I too flirtatious? Was I too sexy? Did I say 'no' loudly enough? Forcefully enough? Oh my God, did I ask for this?" 

"Holy shit, was I raped?"

The answer is: yes. Unequivocally. Undoubtedly. Inarguably. Yes. She was raped. And there is absolutely no other answer to that question. There are no "ands, ifs, or buts" about it. 



The definition of rape is as follows:
  1. the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse
  2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person
You see, to qualify as rape, the sex doesn't have to be violent. It doesn't have to be gruesome. It doesn't have to be in a dark alley, or on a dark street, or in the middle of a war, or in the middle of a square in a huge city like Cairo. It doesn't have to leave physical scars. It doesn't have to leave any visible signs. It only has to be that a man sticks his penis into a woman when she doesn't want it, or a woman forces herself onto a man when he doesn't want it, or any variation thereof. It only has to be that a person violates another person, and forces themselves on her/him (or in her) against their will and wishes. 

Now, here's the problem I have with the arguments FOR the responsibility being borne by the victim in this, or any, case: 

When did it become okay to excuse the forceful violation of a person's body in the name of man's "animal instinct"? When did it become okay to respond to the news of the rape of a woman by asking "what was she wearing?" What the fuck difference does it make what she was wearing?? Seriously? If she was wearing full on niqab, is THAT what makes the rape a crime? But if she's in a mini-skirt and heels, suddenly the question of blame is open for discussion? 

Well, that might depend on where you are. If you're in Saudi Arabia, where women are legally forced to cover their hair, if a woman's veil slips off and her lascivious hairline makes an appearance, would a Saudi man have the right to rape her and then claim "well, look at what she was wearing?" If a woman wears her jeans a little too tightly and walks down the street, minding her own goddamn business, and a group of teenage boys jump her and rape her, is it suddenly okay to blame her tight, ass-contouring jeans for this assault? That makes just about as much sense as my justifying sticking a hot poker into a man's rectum and sodomizing him because "his ass looks so fine in them jeans, and I just couldn't help myself. He asked for it, walking around with an ass like that"; or, more realistically, my punching you in the face because you "provoked" me by saying something completely and utterly stupid; something like "well, some women are to blame for their own rape." 

The problem is that there is a huge difference between being responsible for the provocation of another person's lust and desire (and FYI - this applies to both men and women), and being responsible for the violation of your person. HUGE difference. 

Look, if a woman goes out and seduces a man by acting in a way that is seductive, sexual, lewd; if she gyrates up and down his crotch, if she reveals a little too much skin, if she speaks suggestively and does everything short of personally placing a man's penis into her vagina, am I saying that's appropriate or necessarily smart behavior? No, I am not. Am I suggesting that the man does not get aroused and want sex with this woman? No, I am not. But, for God's sake, if you're a man and you find yourself in this situation and suddenly begin to feel this "uncontrollable" urge to pounce on her and violate her body without her express consent, then, frankly, you should seriously just walk the fuck away. 

Yes. Even if you're really, really turned on. And even if she really, really "provoked" you. Saying that a man can't "control" himself because he's a man is a fucking ridiculous argument because the whole fucking point of being a HUMAN versus an ANIMAL is that you are graced with the ability to fucking control yourself. 

It is debasing and disgraceful to humankind for the argument to be based on some animalistic instinct; one that, by the way, tends to be used ONLY to explain men's behaviors; when a woman loses control and goes apeshit in a violent way, she is assumed to be PMSing, or insane or psycho, she is never excused, or more horrifically, JUSTIFIED, for her behavior based on her "animal instinct" - for the love of God, keep it in your fucking pants and walk away.

Is it possible that some women and men send out mixed messages regarding the extent of sexual activity they're willing to engage in? Sure. Is it possible that some women behave in ways that suggest that perhaps they just might be up for a hump in the sack? Sure - doesn't everyone? Is it possible that maybe some women's behaviors betray a lack of self-esteem and self respect? Perhaps, depending on your subjective definition and expectation of self-esteem and respect. But in any of those cases, does a woman DESERVE to be raped? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Not ever. 

We have to be careful when we begin placing moral and value judgments on women's behavior from the vantage point of how these behaviors affect men's incapacity to control their "animal penises" from attacking women's vaginas. Seriously. This is not the issue. The issue isn't what she was wearing, or what time she was out in the night, or what area of town she was seen in - those are not the behaviors that should serve as the benchmark for measuring what percentage of the responsibility for her rape she should bear. If a straight guy walks into a gay bar and gets raped in the bathroom, do you think for a second anyone would ask: "Well, I mean, what was he wearing?" Give me a fucking break. 

And when we say we don't agree with the danger women are in, but that we have to "accept that this is the reality", I want to scream. Because you know what else has historically been excused as the reality? For one thing, segregation. If every black person in the United States had simply accepted the "reality" of their position in society, where would we be today? You know what else was an accepted "reality"? Ask any Jew or non-Aryan who was placed in a concentration camp during World War II and marched into a gas chamber because of the "reality" of the times? I accept the REALITY that there are people who exist today who are capable of justifying the rape of women because they have some fucked up notion of how a woman should act or dress - but just because this is real doesn't mean that it's acceptable. I mean, stop that, please.

And while we're on the subject, I am not someone who necessarily sits on the side of the argument that claims that women should walk down the street naked and do whatever the fuck they want, but that's not because I think they should be worried about being raped for it, but simply because I PERSONALLY feel that showing a little less skin is a little more classy. I love my breasts as much as the next girl, but I don't necessarily want them on public display and I PERSONALLY don't love the look of extra tight, extra skin baring, sexy attire. But that's me. Do I sometimes look at a girl and think "Oh honey, cover that shit up?" You bet your ass I do. And anyone who purports to never thinking something along those lines is lying. But never, not ever, not even for a split second do I think: "You know, if you get raped for acting this way, you fucking deserve it." Not ever.



Wouldn't we do well as a society to reflect a little on what we're doing to our girls? Over the past few months, the state of women and girls in our world has been weighing very heavily on me. In a nutshell, the bottom line is that the female sex, worldwide, is kind of screwed. We are generally not safe. We're not safe in times of war, and we're not particularly safe in times of peace. We're not safe at every stage of our lives. Even in the most insidious ways, the odds are generally stacked against us. I mean, seriously, what kind of fucking world is this where a girl has to fear for her life simply because she chooses to get an education? What kind of world is this where a woman needs to wonder if her skirt is short enough to invite some man to jump her, rape her and get away with it? What's the standard of measure here? Are 2 inches above the knee too much? What time is it okay for a woman to be out alone before the pumpkin carriage turns into a rapist and it's her fault for missing some arbitrary curfew? Is 2 AM too late? What's the magic hour? You see how insanely ridiculous these measures are? And if you don't, what can we possibly do to make you see? 

Instead of focusing so intensely on all the ways in which women can protect themselves in this world from the "big, bad man", couldn't we just take a moment and teach our sons a little about respect and restraint and what to do when your erection gets so bad, you suddenly feel like getting violent against a woman, and how no matter how much you WANT to fuck her and hurt her, you really, really, REALLY just can't fucking do that? Couldn't we just do that, for God's sake? 

And that girl who seemed like she was totally up for sex up until the moment it was time for sex and then she changed her mind? Yeah, even THAT girl doesn't actually deserve to be raped. You can get mad her, you can be really bummed that it didn't quite work out the way you'd planned, but you can't rape her. 

Do you have any idea how many or how often men change their minds about women? "I love you, I want you, I will always be faithful to you"; "oops, no, hang on... I'm not actually that into you anymore, I slept with someone else..." - if we started abusing every man who "led us on" and provoked the shit out of us, trust me, there would be a MAJOR man shortage on this planet. And imagine if our reasons were based on his clothes? Some might argue that the urge to beat or abuse another human being is different than an urge that is sexual in nature. I beg to differ. My desire to punch some of my ex-boyfriends is pretty fucking strong. But you know why I don't, even though they provoke the shit out of me? Because I can fucking control myself, that's why.

Instead of asking about what she was wearing, couldn't we ask why the rapist feels compelled to "punish" a woman for her clothes or her behavior or her opinions or her choice of location at her choice of time? In fact, can't we ask ourselves why SOCIETY feels compelled to punish a woman for her clothing, her choice of shoes, her choice of make up and her sexy, wily ways? Because if we don't do that, what are we teaching ourselves, our sisters, our sons and daughters? 

And what happens to this argument when the rape victim is a woman jogging in the park at dawn; being neither sexual nor provocative in any way? What happens then? You know what happens? We say things like "well, she knows the park is a dangerous place to be in at dawn. Who does that?" And if she's veiled and completely covered with nary an ankle or piece of flesh in sight, and she gets raped in a public street, what do we say then? You know what we say? We say "well, she knows there are so many men who gather at this square, who goes to the square alone at that hour?" You see, no matter what the circumstance, the tendency for us is to first want to establish what SHE did wrong to invite this assault. Only when all the pieces are in place for us to determine the LEVEL of her exposure, provocation, you name it; only THEN do we begin to determine whether or not she may have had a part to play in the crime committed against her. I'm sorry, but that's just royally fucked up. The truth is that in any civilized society, in a society that engrains values of respect among its citizens for one and another and the respect for boundaries, a normal person would know that no matter what the circumstance, no woman ever deserves rape as a punishment for her perceived sin. Nobody, man or woman, "asks" to be raped. It's that simple. This is not an issue that is open for discussion. The fact that it is a discussion is what scares me the most.

Are we honestly saying that the world is so evil out there that, if you happen to be unlucky enough to be born with a vagina, well, watch out - keep yourself on the defensive at all times, shut your mouth, keep your legs crossed, keep your head down and stay home after dark, because the other 48% of the world's population just might, unintentionally and instinctively, get the wrong idea and you might find yourself with a penis in your vagina, against your will, all because you went out looking like that and, dammit girl, you asked for it?

Stop that ridiculousness.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Sistah, Sister...

Nihal at 4 years old

Sistah, Sister


Let me tell you a little about my sister.

Today is her 40th birthday.

Today would also have been our father's 67th birthday. Nihal was our father's present on his 27th birthday, which I think is just awesome. I also know this day will suck for her because our father died last year and this is their first shared birthday without him, but I suspect it will always suck; and there's not much anyone can do about that. Alas.

My sister is kind of the most amazing person on the planet; and I know that I'm biased and totally incapable of being objective about this, but the truth is, there is no denying this fact - the fact of her awesomeness, so biased or not - it's the truth!


THE EARLY YEARS

Nihal was born in Nairobi, Kenya on June 1st, 1974. Being born in Kenya, Nihal, even in her earliest years, simply could not understand why it was that she was "Kenyan" and yet "white"; as in, not "black", like others from Kenya? This defied all logic as far as she was concerned, and for years she could be overheard telling people that she was "Kenyan, but a white Kenyan, for some weird reason..."

As a baby, Nihal was HUGE. I mean, like, ENORMOUS. Let me give you some context for scale - I was two years old and probably weighed only a tad more than the 6 lbs. I had weighed at birth. At birth, Nihal popped out at a whopping 8 lbs. 10 oz (or thereabouts); which might explain why her second child, Adam, was born at 9 lbs. 10 oz., but more on that another time. In pictures, if Nihal was positioned in front of me, she might as well have been an only child, is all I'm saying...

Nihal was a TOTAL tomboy. The EXACT opposite of her sister (that would be me), who was a TOTAL non-tomboy in pretty much every sense of the word. While I played with Mom's heels and make-up, Nihal was running after our German Shepherd, Simba, and catching snakes. But I loved her immensely, despite our extreme differences.


Nihal and our cousin, Sarah, the family tomboys

I loved her so much, in fact, that even before she was born, I had already claimed her as "my baby". As a kid, saying the name "Nihal" was a little tough for me, so I called her "Inal" for a long time. Now, I just call her "Nihos" or "Nyhal", but I still love her with the same intensity - and probably even a little bit more.

NIHAL AND THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

My sister loved animals practically from the time she came out of the womb. Unlucky for her, animals were not always so fond of her. Three (or maybe, four) incidents stick out in my mind from our childhood that very positively portray this fact: One, the lioness in Kenya who, upon smelling my baby sister, stalked her for a few minutes - even prompting others to warn my parents that "you might want to move your child away from the cage, that lioness seems mighty focused on her", right before the lioness lunged at my sister quite violently and suddenly. Thank God for the wire-caged fence.

The second incident involved a monkey at the Cairo zoo when Nihal was probably 4 or 5 years old. In Kenya, we were allowed to play with uncaged monkeys if they happened to be pets at someone's home (which was not uncommon). Not so much the norm in Cairo, but Mom didn't know better at the time. Nihal stuck her fingers through the monkey's cage, the monkey was less than pleased, and let's just say there was a lunge, a hard bite and a chomp into a child's little fingers, lots of screaming and a trip to the doctor for rabies shots.

The third, and most traumatic, animal encounter of all was when a neighbor's German Shepherd went a little maniacal at the scent of my 6 year old sister and, being twice her size, lunged for her jugular, missed it by a hair and proceeded to drag her listless body across the street while I screamed hysterically (like an 8-year-old would) and the owner of the dog, inexplicably, pulled at the dog in the opposite direction, essentially ensuring that my sister would be torn to shreds. So, that was fun. And, another trip to the doctor for yet another round of rabies shots.

This is not to mention the one time our family took a trip to Singapore, visited a monkey sanctuary where the monkeys were free roaming and the next thing you know, our entire family - Me, Nihal, Mom and Dad - are being chased through the park (I kid you not) by a family of monkeys; screaming, laughing, yelling and running like hell. Naturally, we blamed it all on Nihal and her damn animal-repellant pheromones.

All I'm saying is, don't take my sister to a zoo or a circus, ok? You'll regret it. I guarantee it.

THE MIDDLE YEARS

My sister and I were great friends from about the ages of 0-11 (2-13 for me)... and then, we parted ways for a spell. Partly because we were SO different, and mostly because I was an asshole teenager. It's the truth. I think there was a good ten years when my sister just thought of me as "that asshole who lives with us", and I don't blame her, but enough about me.

As a teen, my sister was the child any parent would want. She was obedient, yet independent. She was athletic and didn't bother with nuisances like boys and make-up and sneaking cigarettes and alcohol like her asshole sister. No, this was a teenager who got up at the crack of dawn to run track or play basketball. And she was kind of hilarious. Actually, she was VERY hilarious. She made our family laugh, especially during times of extreme tension, like, if I had been caught sneaking out of the house, or caught skipping school or some other rebellious, ridiculous teenage shenanigans for which I was renowned. She served as a much needed buffer and detractor  which was great because it distracted my parents from kicking my ass!

At some point in college, our relationship broke. She found me too reckless, I found her too conservative. We went our separate ways and just couldn't quite "get" each other. Right after college, she got married, and I moved to the US and over the years that I was away, we started to slowly rebuild our relationship - a process that took years, but has ultimately resulted in the most wonderful and fulfilling of friendships and a bond that is truly unbreakable.





THE BOTTOM LINE

I could go on and on and on about my sister and all the stories and all the ways in which she is fabulous, but that would take a couple of years to note, so in short, here is a snippet of the ways in which my sister's awesomeness make her my absolute most favorite and trusted person on the entire planet:

* She is witty and funny in the most unexpected ways and at the most inopportune moments, which makes her all the funnier. Her kids think she's the MOST hilarious person to walk the earth and the sweetest thing is to see them laugh at their Mom because they enjoy her and not because they want to roll their eyes at her. Her 5-year-old, Adam, came to me once while I was living with them, shaking his head and chuckling. I said "what are you laughing at?" and he held up my phone to me to show me a picture of his mother making a ridiculous face and said "look at my mother; she's so crazy and funny!" There is no bigger compliment than that, in my mind...

* She is patient and compassionate to a fault, but she isn't "gooey" or naive in ANY way at all. Sometimes, she's so patient, I want to slap her across the face to make sure she hasn't actually just fallen into some catatonic state. But, that girl has a threshold and you'd better watch out for your life if you cross it because, believe me, it sneaks up on you like a ninja in the night. You might push her limits for hours, days, months even, but when she breaks - holy mother... run. Hide. Play dead. 

* She is there for everybody. I mean, everybody. Sometimes at the expense of her own sanity (see: losing her shit once the patience has run out description above), and sometimes I think she needs to take a little more time for herself, but it's who she is, and those of us who need her - her friends, me, her husband, her children, everyone - are grateful for her patience and her sound wisdom. Frankly, I'd probably be in prison a few times over by now if it hadn't been for my sister's talks and advice. Seriously. I wish I were joking.

* She sends me the funniest and most dead-pan texts and is unfazed by almost anything. A sample below (I wrote her a text to tell her about my gym experience and my plans... she replies with this):


* When our Dad was sick, my sister was raising two kids, living in Georgia, getting her Master's degree in counseling psychology, and doing most of it alone because her husband was working like crazy to finish his medical residency and I, although I was living between my parents' house in North Carolina and my sister's in Georgia at the time, was completely useless having just come out of a horrific marriage/divorce situation and was practically comatose. My sister managed to take on all of this and STILL made time to bake my father his favorite brownies, drive the four and a half hours to North Carolina from Georgia several times a month for the entire year my Dad was sick. Meanwhile, I could barely get out of bed to brush my teeth. She did this without ever once betraying an ounce of exhaustion or exasperation. She managed babysitters, a master's thesis, a full course load and my father's chemo and the aftermath with such grace and patience, it was almost fucking annoying, frankly. I know our Dad got an extreme kick out of that, though... the fact that she would make that drive and bring him home baked goods just because it's what he needed. I asked her once if she ever just doesn't "feel like doing it", and she said, without hesitation, "never. It's Dad. I'd do anything for him. It's not even a question." She is steadfast in her loyalty to her family and has no question in her mind when something needs to be done; it just needs to be. That's all there is to it.


Nihal receiving her MA with her son, Hussein, by her side


* The year of our father's illness was brutal - on all of us. On my mother, naturally, because the love of her life and her companion of 47 years was dying. On me because, well, it's my Dad; the single most significant man in my life - then, now and forever - and he was sick and he was dying and I had just been traumatized by the brutal and unexpected ending of my marriage and had barely had time to heal when my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer, so it was a major double whammy and I was in a coma of sorts. And for Nihal, it was all of that and more. We were each reeling in our way, but she had an army to care for at home, in addition to my mother, my father and me. And she did it all with grace and ease and still made time to be a Mom and a sister and a daughter and a student. 

Nihal The Monkey hanging onto Dad

* Ask any of her friends and they will tell you, Nihal is the best friend a person can have. She is loyal and caring and she gives a hundred per cent of herself without giving it all away (I don't actually know how the fuck she does that and it kind of annoys me to no end, but whatever...) If you need her, she's there for you. And she very, very rarely - if ever - asks for anything in return. She keeps her friends for life and they are fiercely protective of her, as she is of them. As her sister, I can tell you, she is the best friend a sister can have... but even if we weren't sisters, I think she'd still be my best friend, which I think is the greatest thing ever: to know that you not only love your family because they're family, but that you'd actually love them even if you didn't have to!









* She's generous in a way that makes generosity seem like it's running out of style. For 18 months in the past 2 years, I was somewhat adrift in my life. My sister and her husband gave me a home and a place to stay and to live and to heal without even once making me feel unwelcome. I would occasionally say something like "Oh my God, thank you for this..." and Nihal would say, without a moment's hesitation, "are you fucking crazy? It's a no-brainer! You're my sister! You're SUPPOSED to live with me; it's how the world is meant to be", and I am forever grateful to her and her husband for that generosity of spirit. It also gave me the chance to live with my nephews, which is something I cherish beyond anything else. 




And yeah, sure, there are a million ways (okay, maybe not a MILLION), but SOME ways in which she is not perfect... but for the most part, those things are forgivable (like the fact that she has this hilarious tendency to turn every conversation into a "therapy moment" even when all you want to do is just vent - something that makes me laugh but also makes me want to sometimes punch her in the face! I mean, seriously, there are times when I'm not particularly interested in hearing "how does this make you feel, Naila?" and really more interested in hearing her say "wow, what a piece of shit [insert name of villain here] he turned out to be. That really sucks" and that's it, without having to analyze the myriad ways in which I coulda, shoulda, woulda known better had I been more "in tune with your instinct... blah, blah, blah... psychology... Freud... psycho-theory... blah"), but for the most part, she's just a really fun, funny and loving woman and I wouldn't trade her for the world...

Basically, the bottom line is, my sister is a freakin' rock star and I love her to bits and pieces and on her 40th birthday, I think she should know that she is loved, she is appreciated and she is hilarious. Oh, and I think I'll keep her.

(Love you Nihos. Happy Birthday, Patootie :-)